Soul Sowing

I wrote this article for Inspirational Women's Magazine and thought I'd share it here:

Soul Sowing

Every hole Pain digs
in my soul
is a place for planting
whatever newness

I will.

-JB

When my third child was about a year old, I realized that somewhere along the path of my life, I’d lost myself.  With three small children needing my attention, lingering depression and a mind and body that seemed to have turned to mush, I didn’t know what else to do but sit in my closet, cry, and pray for help.  I cried and prayed a lot.   And then, through my tears, I began to see remnants of myself that I’d tucked away in that closet over the years.  I found boxes of old school papers and awards I’d won.  I found mementos of time spent traveling the world and pictures of people I’d taught and served in places far away.  I read my own writing and remembered joys and passions I’d given up long ago.  As if from a distance, I began to make myself out again.  I was a great person!  What had happened to me?!

I determined not to let my self-discovery be left there in the dim recesses of my life.  I wanted to be me again.  And yet, I was a new me, too.  The woman whose identity was scattered in the dusty boxes in my closet was young and capable but only beginning the journey of life.  Now, my roles and responsibilities gave me more experience but also challenged me.  I needed to put all the pieces together and reclaim my soul.  But how?

It has taken several identity crises to find an answer to that question.  Knowing my soul, as distinct from my roles or goals has required self-observation and work, but has yielded an invaluable sense of my self.  That most essential part of me—my soul—is what I take into the roles I play, the circumstances of my life and my relationships with others, but is separate from all of those. My soul is a living, growing entity—it is the essence of me.  I retain my “self” as roles come to an end, circumstances change, and relationships wax and wane. 

The beautiful thing about life, though, is that while it doesn’t define us, it offers countless opportunities for us to define and discover ourselves.  If the soul is a garden, life is a plow that loosens the soil.  It is also the wind that blows new seeds our way, and the changing seasons that bring sun and rain, warmth and cold. The soul-garden that I cultivated as a young woman was neat and orderly, with impressive blooms and well-trimmed paths.  As a young mother, I felt like I’d lost myself because the attractive flowers I’d tended once were now struggling stragglers and my soul was full of shoots and sprouts I didn’t recognize.  As I pondered what to do, I realized I couldn’t uproot all the new growth and return to the precisely cultivated garden of years gone by, but neither did I want to.  Instead of mourning what had been, I could embrace what was, by tending the old blooms and nurturing the new.  My soul-garden was changing, maturing, diversifying.  I could rejoice in the new elements of my character—patience, love, empathy, humility and tolerance—the seeds of which life had swept into my garden through my experiences as a mother.  I was expanding my soul and embarking on a journey of discovery and development.

Now, as life throws challenges, pleasures, relationships and roles my way, I appreciate them more fully as tools for cultivating the garden of my soul.  Pain and challenges cut deep and in the depths I can plant bulbs of gratitude, kindness, and patience that will return again and again, multiplying over the years.  Pleasures might be colorful annuals that only last for a season, but enrich that season and gladden my heart.  Relationships can be most lasting, and help me build paths through the garden to reach new spots previously unused.  Roles are opportunities to offer the flowers of my soul to others, and enjoy the pleasure they bring. 

Soul-sowing is a life-long process and opportunity.  As the master gardener of our soul, we get to decide what is planted, nurtured and developed.  By choosing our thoughts, actions and priorities, we can nurture seeds of joy or anger, patience or resentment, or a thousand other character traits.  There may be seasons of sorrow when nothing in our soul seems to be growing, followed by periods of peace with joy in the abundance of our soul-garden.  Winter is worthwhile, even if it isn’t as splendid as summer!  Receiving the many offerings of life with wisdom and perspective will allow us to put them to good use in the cultivation of our soul.  And there, in the development of our soul, is the great purpose and joy of life.  The garden of our soul is worth the work. 

When I finished my crying, all those years ago, I went to work in my soul-garden.  Now I am tending my talents again, pursuing my passions, and embracing the newness that comes with every season of life.