I know it sounds like the excuses we hear from children, but they are my own (though echoed by my children with frightening speed after I accidentally utter them aloud.) Are these always excuses, and indications of laziness that ought to be got over at once? Are they ever allowable? And if so, when?
I got to talk to the LDS Social Services counselor yesterday. He is (as I knew before hand) from my class at school (year and major) and it was a little funny to sit with him, discussing depression and how to overcome it, as if we were studying for a class, and feeling like I had as much to offer as he. I didn't get the Master's, though, so he certainly has more training, and of course more experience, as I have only my own life to go by, and he has worked with many. Still, there was more of a feeling of being peers (did I want something else?) We talked about finding balance, prioritizing (he brought up the Stephen Covey 2 x 2 Matrix of high/low importance/urgency, which Sam had brought up over the weekend on our temple trip and had already had me categorize all my activities) and taking little steps. I mentioned that I hadn't "carved out time in my day" for stillness/spirituality/scriptures and prayer, and he pointed out that if I feel like I can't do it if I don't have 30-45 mintues, I might never do it at all, and that simply reading one verse is better than nothing, and helps.
The other thing he pointed out (that was a new thought) is that doing what depression tells you to do only ever gets you deeper into the depression hole. It is a self-perpetuating cycle, and it is important to be able to identify those thoughts that come from depression, recognize them as such, and studiously do or think otherwise.
So, when I am faced with a situation like this evening, with the kitchen needing to be cleaned and in desperate need of a mopping, and all the junk from the car that has accumulated after three car trips (all within a week) needing to be put away, and a fussy, needy baby (I can't figure out why--he isn't usually, and doesn't seem to be tired or hungry or uncomfortable), I just want to walk away from it all. "I don't feel like it!" "I'm tired!" and "Maybe later (though I can't at this moment imagine ever wanting to do it)" are all close to the surface. But are those the voice of depression? Should I ignore them and press forward? It is part of my duty, my job description and my life to do those things. And what example would I be setting for the kids if I just walked away from it? And yet, where in the world do I find the energy to do it? But that is the trouble with depression--there isn't any emotional energy, yet life must go on. I do want to overcome it.
It seems like I (might) feel this way especially on days when I have already run myself dry, and that maybe what I ought to do is take a little time for fun, or for myself, and then I will be up for it. But that isn't the case, that I can tell. No matter what else has happened during the day (today it was a cast change for Isaac, which went smoothly, and a long drive home, during which I sang with Dorothea, played "I spy" and listened to "Little Women" on cd. None of that was emotionally taxing.) Is it just because it is the end of the day?
Anyway, if you have thoughts or advice, please tell me. I hate feeling this way, but at the moment, don't know what to do about it.
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I confess, I often don't things just because I don't feel like doing them. To me, it is liberating to know that a vast majority of the time, if I don't do something that I feel like I SHOULD, things turn out just fine. For example, the only real consequence of not doing dishes today is that I do them tomorrow when I have more energy. Dave often reminds me that a lot of the things that I feel like I SHOULD do are self imposed burdens... So what if we have a dirty dishes in the sink for a couple of days? Why should that make me feel any less good about myself?
ReplyDeleteI am proud of you for going to see a counselor. I think it is a very important step. I love you Julia.
Oh Julia, I'm laughing because right now it's 9:26 pm and my back is to a messy living room and a sink full of dishes in the kitchen :). Escapism sometimes just feels so nice :). At the beginning of the year, I started something that has worked for me. Have I told you about it? Probably so. After Polly goes to bed, the first thing I do--the first, first, first thing I do--is go straight to the couch and pull out my scriptures. I turn a blind eye to everything else, and it feels so luxurious to sacrifice other things that need to be done for something more important that I truly desire to do and that is necessary for my soul. Often Dave will join me, and it will be a companionable, warm feeling. After that, what gets done gets done, and what doesn't doesn't. Sometimes I'm full of energy and I can listen to the radio or a CD and clean the kitchen with zest. Sometimes I fall asleep on the couch and Dave has to rouse me an hour later so I can take out my contacts, brush my teeth, and go to sleep. But treating myself to the scriptures at that time is so good for my soul. It is my time of stillness. I've missed it over the past few days (sick baby), and I can tell its absence in my life. If your depression is telling you to run away, and you truly wonder where the energy is going to come from to stay and work, perhaps you can turn away from that seemingly impossible situation and declare freedom from the terms it's imposing (run away or work yourself to exhaustion), at least from a long enough time that you and the Lord together can decide the terms of your evening, not your depression or the state of your house. Is that doable, or is that just a nice thought?
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