Stop "Shoulding"

This morning I reflected on my tendency to "should" myself, as Dr. McKenna said.  There was conflict in my mind about stopping the shoulds, because surely there ARE things that I "should" do.  How can I reconcile commandments with not "shoulding?"  After pondering for a while, pieces began to come together.  I wrote myself a list:

1. When you start using "should" in self-talk, about yourself, someone else, or the situation you are in, STOP!
2. Instead of assuming you know what "should" be, ask God what He wants for/of the situation or yourself. (Sometimes it will be my choice--there are many right possibilities.  Then decide what I want, given what is, and make it happen.)
3. Pray, ponder, gain strength from knowing his will.
* The Lord's expectations of me are perfectly realistic, gentle, loving, and often far different from my own.
* When I "should" myself, others, or the situation, I am often assuming that my will is the Lords will, or that I know the Lord's will intuitively without having to ask.  As if.
* I've never, in prayer, felt that the Lord desires or requires of me anything that is unmanageable.  When I go to Him and seek His will, he also gives the courage/strength/desire to do it.  When I present my day to him, and ask what he would like done with it, I am often surprised by how easy, gentle, and manageable his desires are.  Sometimes it is as simple as "do what will make you happy," or "enjoy your children."

As Dr. McKenna pointed out, when I use "should" in self talk, about myself or the situation, I am making a judgement of right/wrong, and consequently feel tense and unhappy, because things are "wrong" or "bad."  Actually, they just are, and if I see simply that they are, it is freeing! I determine what the Lord wants, sometimes, and usually what I want, and that is more helpful.  Deciding what I want doesn't make a judgement call.  It is more flexible.  I realize that others sometimes want something that is not what I want, and neither desire is wrong.  My way is not right, and theirs wrong.

I believe that the point of the commandments and gospel that God has given us is to help us be happy in this difficult trial of life.  He said "judge not that ye be not judged."  When I judge (by "shoulding") myself, the situation, others, etc., it leads to unhappiness.  I've long recognized that in judging others and situations, we are going to get the mental habit of judging ourselves, too, and that is miserable.  It will eventually be our judgement of ourselves (where we feel comfortable) that determines where we go in eternity, so it is good to be accepting of things (and ourselves!) as much as possible.

The story of Mary and Martha also struck me as extremely pertinent as i consider these things:

38 ¶Now it came to pass, as they went, that he entered into a certain village: and a certain woman named ^aMartha received him into her house.

 39 And she had a sister called Mary, which also sat at Jesus’ feet,and heard his word.

 40 But Martha was cumbered about much serving, and came tohim, and said, Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? bid her therefore that she help me.

 41 And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art ^acareful and troubled about many things:

 42 But one thing is needful: and Mary hath ^achosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.

Doubtless, Martha wanted everything to be perfect when she received Jesus into her home.  She had expectations for the cleaning, the food preparation, etc., etc., if she was anything like me.  And so, trying to fulfill all of her expectations about how she would receive the Lord, she was "cumbered about much serving."  She must have been feeling stressed and unhappy when she went to Jesus and asked him to bid Mary to help her.  Her expectations weren't being met, she was failing as a hostess!  Jesus recognized this immediately, and called it out.  He said she was "careful and troubled" or worried and unhappy about many things (all her expectations of herself, of the situation and of Mary).  As it turned out, though, and as Jesus told her, all her "shoulds" were unneccessary.  Only "one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her."  The one thing that Mary was doing--the one important, necessary thing--the thing that Jesus wanted from both of them--was simply that they come to him and learn of Him and listen to Him.  All of Martha's expectations, preparations and worries were not required of the Lord.  He had not given her those "shoulds," she had, and was not the better for it.  The simple act of sitting at the Savior's feet, however, was all that Mary was doing, and all that needed to be done, and she was the better and happier for it.

If I can recognize the "should's" that I give myself, and which make me unhappy, and then stop "shoulding" myself, and instead discover the will of the Lord, or pursue my own desires for happiness, I believe I will be much happier.  The Lord doesn't give busy work, he gives us the work of life, and love and joy.

Another scripture fits this learning very well, also.  It is Matthew 11: 28-30: Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

 29Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

 30For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

The yoke I give myself is heavy, because it is full of "shoulds."  If I will take His yoke, though, meaning that I do his will, and accept the load he would give me instead of the one I make for myself, I will have rest and my burden will be light.