Valuing Dad

We enjoyed a great visit from Mom and Dad for Carol's baptism.  I was able to see Dad even more clearly this time, as mom left for a couple of days and I got to have more one on one time with him.

Many things are the same as they were--always wanting to help, picking up anything out of place, washing dishes, whistling, as well as not being able to find (or recognize) the sink, counter, trash can, or read a book.  This time I witnessed his depression more, though.  Perhaps it was because I felt like I was seeing what I myself had been feeling.  His posture was particularly poor, as if weighed down with sorrow.  When I asked what he was thinking about, he seldom answered and instead, sometimes with tears in his eyes, would tip his head side to side, and give a sort of rueful laugh.  It was too heavy, too sorrowful to give voice to.

I watched him and thought "How do you go on when you feel worthless, stuck and lonely/unattached?" and "How hard it is to accept God's will when His will is for you to be weak and a burden on others."  I thought about how hard that has been for me, how tied my sense of worth has been to what I can do.

But then I thought also about the broader design, in which we each are only a strand of thread.  I thought about how important our weaknesses are in the pattern--to strengthen others, to allow God's light to shine through, to try and test us.  I thought that accepting God's will for us to be weak and a burden is as important as accepting God's will for us to be strong and mighty in good works, or whatever else He might require.  It is not that we should not strive to improve, but the fact is, we aren't going to be perfect in this life, and some things will grow weaker (our fallen bodies especially) as others grow stronger.  We can seek for peace, for acceptance of what is or be miserable about it.  Either way, the Lord has use for our weakness, and we can be building His kingdom and valuable in His work of bringing about the immortality and eternal life of man, even in weakness.

That is what I saw in Dad.  I saw an opportunity me to challenge myself, to reach out in love, to measure myself in my reactions to a man who has fallen prey to mortality.  It is how we treat the weakest among us--the children, widows, poor and needy--that shows the measure of our character.  How will I treat Dad?  What does his weakness show me about myself?  What a beautiful part he is now playing in the tapestry of life--a sequin, perhaps, reflecting back to others around him what their true colors are.  There is worth in weakness.

Now, if only I could communicate that to him, so he, too, could see his worth and lift up his head and rejoice.

As I watched him, I thought about myself, and that it is possible that I will find myself in his shoes in 30 years.  I want to prepare, to have a plan for myself, that will bring joy to me and others as my faculties dwindle.  More importantly, though, I want to have internalized the words I have been writing.  I want to believe that even weakness has worth, and to have believed and lived it for a while, so that when weakness is what is left to me, I can still value my own life, and embrace the Lord's will for me.