Mother's Retreat Journal Entry Week #2

In what ways do I hide my light and why?

I don’t conscientiously hide my light.  If I do hide it, I do so by choosing not to do something, rather than choosing to do something.  That is, I don’t write, or I don’t dance or I don’t plan excellent meals or empower my children, etc. Distraction, disorganization, or not believing it is important are all strong reasons. Or I know it is important at one point, but that sense of importance fades if it is not immediately before me.  My memory dulls the prick of conscience or immediacy.

One of the things that I do which I haven’t ever thought of as hiding my light, but which might fall into the category, is “airing dirty laundry.”  That is, I tell people about the hard times in my life—my struggles and failures, etc.  Sometimes it shocks people a bit, I’m afraid, or worries them.  Perhaps I tell too much too freely, and it gives people a poor impression of me.  Because I never, ever list my accomplishments.  I have strengths along with the weaknesses, of course, but I don’t air those.  Just the weaknesses.  Is that hiding my light?  I don’t think so. . .

That just brought up another way of hiding my light—if my light is the Light of Christ, or my testimony of Christ and having him in my countenance, then anytime I sin, or get distracted by what is unimportant instead of doing first things first and keeping things simple, I hide/darken that light.  That is a light that I don’t mind showing off, either!  That is, I would like people to know of my testimony and see it in my life.  I would be happy to tell about my testimony, and Jesus Christ, etc.  That is a light/strength that I DO share!  (Or try to.) Becoming a better missionary by talking freely about the happy, positive parts of my life and hopefully eliciting questions is something I could work on. 

And that makes me think of a sad thing—I told my sisters and sister-in-law how hard motherhood is, with the intent that they wouldn’t feel bad when it was hard for them, too.  But then it seems like I may have scared them off of it to some degree, because they all decided to work instead of being full-time mothers. Both my brother and sister mentioned to me that my “warnings” really affected them.  What have I done? I didn’t mean to say “This sucks, don’t attempt it!” I meant to say “This is hard—expect it to be hard and don’t expect perfection, and I think it will be much happier that way.” What fickle things words are.  They betray me incessantly.

Mother's Retreat Journal Entry Week #1

Am I filling my Lamp?  Do I shine? 

In short, I think I am shortchanging myself and my family.  The Lord gave me a commission to teach my children social, emotional, physical and spiritual principles, and through a blessing He reaffirmed that the way for me to do that is primarily by example.  I’m not being a great example.  Or, at least, I could certainly be better.  That starts with me filling my own Lamp, I think.  Taking time for me—shining.  For example, I think getting to bed on time and sleeping well and exercise and eating well are super important parts of physical wisdom.  I could do better at all of them.  I think I’m doing okay socially—as a family we are doing more socially now that we have for the last 3 ½ years.  That is good.  Still, I can support the kids in getting more friend time.  It might also be good to talk about what we are doing socially more.  A lot of the people we are socializing with are those Sam and I have identified as needing help/support/friendship.  Yesterday, Ethan confided in me that he feels uncomfortable around the Saintelus family—they are refugees from Haiti, and the single mom of five children is suffering from PTSD, apparently.  The state of their home would qualify as “squalor,” and the kids are not disciplined and consequently a little wild.  They are not at all belligerent or rude or anything like that.  They are nice kids.  They just need more parental guidance.  At first I chided Ethan, but then realized I really need to validate his feelings.  I told him I understood how he could feel uncomfortable, and not want them to come over (I’ve been watching them a fair amount as their mom tries to put things together, and they are currently trying to get rid of bedbugs, which freaks my kids out, as they do NOT want to get them.) I myself am sometimes uncomfortable, but I also believe that is not a reason to give up a good cause! Physically, I’d love to do better.  Making time to get myself exercise has not been a forte.  Even planning healthy meals has eluded me and I’ve been flying by the seat of my pants more than anything else.  I sometimes feel like my brain is spaghetti.  I’d like things to be orderly, and they are not! Self-control (to do things like go to bed and such) is continually elusive for me.  The balance between flexibility and structure is yet elusive.  I tend toward the “flexible” side, because it is easier.  However, what happens when I need structure isn’t always pretty and involves more yelling/frustration than anyone needs.  Spiritually, of course I could still improve.  I went to the temple this morning and that was wonderful.  It feels good to be in the temple.  Yet my personal prayers and scripture study are not what they could be.  I write “prayer notes” every morning, which mostly consists of a (hopefully) spiritually guided to-do list for the day.  But the true conversations with God are not currently happening.  I do take time for the to-do list, so I have time for a conversation.  Being in my closet and praying aloud would be really helpful. Also, scripture study has been different for a while.  For a long while I have felt to concentrate on conference talks (and now the Church published books “Daughters in my Kingdom.”  I feel like both have been really good spiritually for me.  They are very pertinent and I really enjoy and learn from them.  We read the Book of Mormon as a family every day, so I am getting some of that in. . . ought I to be doing more? 

Do I shine?  Am I filling my lamp? How can I shine? How can I best fill my lamp?

First things first.  My top priorities first.  I have a list in my phone of my top daily priorities, but I haven’t looked at it in quite a while.  When reminders pop up, mostly for self-care but also for special time with Dorothea, or calling family, I ignore them.  How dumb is that?  Back to the basics.  The things the Lord has asked of me currently are not more than will fit in my allotted time (they never are, actually.)  Things are pretty simple—pretty basic.  So back to the basics and first things first is important.  I’ll get out my phone and go through my list again and re-commit.  

Sacrament Meeting Talk

I gave a talk in sacrament meeting on Sunday.  It was our last week there, but the first time we spoke, so it was sort of an introduction and farewell.  I enjoyed giving the talk.  There is always so much to learn!  The bishop asked me to speak on the part from the Proclamation to the World that says we are all sons and daughters of God and as such "each has a divine nature and destiny."

We all long to be wanted, needed, and important. 

“Every person in the world likes to feel important. Men and women are glad when they feel needed, and so are boys and girls. To know that someone depends on you and believes that what you do and say really matters makes you feel good and want to do your best.” Help me Hold to the Rod, Friend, March 1972, Marion G. Hanks

One of the beautiful truths of the restored gospel is that we are.  The Proclamation to the World on the Family teaches: ". . . each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny." [emphasis added]  The word "each" here is important to me.  It singles us out and differentiates us.  The world seeks to differentiate us by temporal means.  Sam and I had the opportunity, a few years ago, to attend a Walmart gala in which the company's diversity goals were shared, and the fact that Walmart associates were "37% diverse," was touted.  I thought "so does that make the other 63% clones?" The Lord knows us and sees us differently.  "Man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." 1 Sam 16:7  The Lord knows our individual abilities, talents, strengths, and desires.  He knows and has a plan for each of us.  One of the missions of our lives is to come to know what the Lord knows of us, to see what He sees in us, and to fulfill our individual nature and destiny. 

We are sons and daughters of God.  We have divine attributes.  

“There is something of divinity within each of you. You have such tremendous potential with that quality as a part of your inherited nature. Every one of you was endowed by your Father in Heaven with a tremendous capacity to do good in the world. Train your minds and your hands that you may be equipped to serve well in the society of which you are a part. Cultivate the art of being kind, of being thoughtful, of being helpful. Refine within you the quality of mercy which comes as a part of the divine attributes you have inherited.

Some of you may feel that you are not as attractive and beautiful and glamorous as you would like to be. Rise above any such feelings, cultivate the light you have within you, and it will shine through as a radiant expression that will be seen by others.

You need never feel inferior. You need never feel that you were born without talents or without opportunities to give them expression. Cultivate whatever talents you have, and they will grow and refine and become an expression of your true self appreciated by others.” The Light Within You, Pres. Gordon B. Hinkley, Ensign, May 1995

We have divine gifts.  D&C 46:11-12 “11 For all have not every ^agift given unto them; for there are many gifts, and to every man is given a gift by the Spirit of God.
12 To some is given one, and to some is given another, that all may be profited thereby.”

But we are all different.  If God could be represented by a bright white light, and we all have some of His divine characteristics, we might be different colors of light.  White light encompasses all colors of light, but we are still growing in our divinity.  Some of us may be yellow light, or purple or green or red or blue.  All the colors of light are beautiful and important.  All are of God.  

Satan wants us to believe otherwise.  He tells us we "should" be certain ways, or have certain attributes.  He shows us how others shine and, because our light is different, he would tell us our shining is less important or even worthless.  As if one color in a rainbow is less valuable than another.  With Satan's pernicious "should" he leads us to judge, reject, and condemn ourselves, others and whole situations.  He leads us to devalue ourselves (and others) wrongly.  He doesn't want us to see as Heavenly Father sees, and rejoice in our uniqueness.  He wants us to see only darkness.  Coming to know ourselves and our unique nature and destiny is important.

When I was a young woman growing up in Nashville, TN, I felt fairly confident about my individual worth and divine nature.  I was one of only a handful of members of the Church in my high school and I felt grateful for the gospel and the values, knowledge and choices that set me apart.  I was at the top of my class at a top-tier high school and I considered myself hard-working and intelligent.  My sense of myself and my worth was pretty clear.  Then I went to BYU.  Suddenly, the light of the gospel that I had didn't seem to shine as brightly, as it was surrounded with 30,000 others.  I struggled to know how to shine is such a crowd.  I felt as if part of my worth and my self was diminished.  Then I went on a study abroad trip to Mexico, teaching Spanish literacy.  The people there thought I was pretty dumb.  My Spanish was like a child's.  I didn't know how to make tortillas or wash clothes in the river, and do any of the basics of sustaining life in a family.  The 15 years of education that I had acquired, and which I felt were a very important and valuable part of me, were useless.  In that setting, my education didn't matter at all.  I felt so much of "myself" stripped away, I began to wonder who I was and what was valuable about my life.

Then I got married.  I had majored in Family Sciences, because I knew that families were the  most important work I would do in my life.  It took me two months of marriage to realize I had no idea how to be married.  And then I had a baby and OHH the humility!  It took me even less time to realize I had no idea how to be a Mom!  All the ways in which I had valued myself were gone.  I did not feel smart, hard working, productive, or glowing with testimony.  The things I thought I "should" have been able to do well--the most important things!--were far harder than I had anticipated, and I was not doing them well.  I felt like a failure.

Luckily, during this time, I had some good examples in women around me who let their light shine.  Deena Hollee decided to teach cooking classes to anyone in the neighborhood who wanted to take them.  I learned to make sushi and have loved it ever since.  My visiting teachee, Inge Reni, was an outstanding lady, too.  She taught me, through her own trials, to praise the Lord in all things.  She was from the Caribbean and she knew how to let her light shine.  It was inspiring.  

As the years have passed, I have had to rediscover my "nature and destiny" many times.  I came to understand the important of learning the "mind of the Lord."  Seeing myself as the Lord sees me is the only way to really uncover my nature and destiny.  Learning to listen to what He wants from me, instead of listening to all the "shoulds" the world gives me is essential.  

Previously, I thought that I could go to the Lord for personal revelation about some (big) things, but that I could really rely on all the "shoulds" of the world and even from the church to guide my life.  We can learn many good things to do from others, but I quickly became overwhelmed with all the things I thought I "should" be doing or feeling, or how situations in my life "should" be.  I would start the day with lists so long of all the things I "should" do, that I felt defeated before I even began.  The "shoulds" ended up pulling me away from the Lord.  

I wrote in my journal: 
"The story of Mary and Martha (in Luke 10) also struck me as extremely pertinent as I considered these things:

38¶Now it came to pass, as they went, that he entered into a certain village: and a certain woman named Martha received him into her house.

 39 And she had a sister called Mary, which also sat at Jesus’ feet, and heard his word.

 40 But Martha was cumbered about much serving, and came to him, and said, Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? bid her therefore that she help me.

 41 And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things:

 42 But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.

Doubtless, Martha wanted everything to be perfect when she received Jesus (and likely many of his followers, too) into her home.  She had expectations how clean it “should” be, which foods “should” be prepared, etc., if she was anything like me.  And so, trying to fulfill all of her expectations about how she would receive the Lord, she was "cumbered about much serving."  She must have been feeling stressed and unhappy when she went to Jesus and asked him to bid Mary to help her.  Her expectations weren't being met.  She was failing as a hostess!  Jesus recognized this immediately, and called it out.  He said she was "careful and troubled" or worried and unhappy about many things (all her expectations of herself, of the situation and of Mary).  As it turned out, though, and as Jesus told her, all her "shoulds" were unnecessary   Only "one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her."  The one thing that Mary was doing--the one important, necessary thing--the thing that Jesus wanted from both of them--was simply that they come to Him and learn of Him and listen to Him.  All of Martha's expectations, preparations and worries were not required of the Lord.  He had not given her those "shoulds," she had gathered them herself, and was not the better for it.  The simple act of sitting at the Savior's feet, however, was all that Mary was doing, and all that needed to be done, and she was the better and happier for it.

If I can recognize the "should's" that I give myself, and instead discover the will of the Lord, or the things that I would like to be anxiously engaged in, I believe I will be much happier.  The Lord doesn't give busy work, he gives us the work of life, and love and joy."

As we seek to better understand our individual, divine nature and destiny, and how the Lord would use us in His kingdom, I think it is important to be wary of "shoulds" about ourselves, others, or situations.  So often, we make a "should" judgement based on our own mind, will, and word rather than the Lord's.  Not every good thing "should" be attempted ever day of our lives.  There were days, as a young mother, when things were so hard and I felt like such a failure.  But when I went to the Lord and asked Him what He wanted of me, it was always do-able (unlike the expectations I had for myself.)  Sometimes it was as simple as: "Today, love your children."  I could do that, and I know it made Him happy when I did.  We can and must go to the Lord to learn our nature and destiny.

Thanks to the restored gospel, we have wonderful resources for learning the mind, will, and word of the Lord for us.  We have the Holy Ghost.  Through prayer, scripture reading, listening to hymns or spontaneously we can receive daily, hourly, or moment by moment direction from Him.  We can go to the Lord every day to learn what He would have us do that day.  His expectations of us are perfect, for He knows us perfectly.  He doesn't ask us to run faster than we have strength, and He knows how to utilize our strengths in joyful ways.

We also have priesthood blessings.  I have received many priesthood blessings from my father and husband which have been instrumental in understanding my own nature and destiny.  

D&C 68:4 And whatsoever they shall speak when moved upon by the Holy Ghost shall be scripture, shall be the will of the Lord, shall be the mind of the Lord, shall be the word of the Lord, shall be the voice of the Lord, and the power of God unto salvation.

Patriarchal blessings can also be a wonderful resource for knowing about ourselves.  My patriarchal blessing is very clear about my nature, and helps me catch a vision of my destiny.    Our Patriarchal Blessings can be like a Liahona—guiding us individually in our earthly mission, helping us know our selves better, and know how God sees us.

You can learn more about your life and mission on earth and the light that is in you by preparing to receive and then studying your patriarchal blessing.  Julie Beck April 2006 “You Have a Noble Birthright.”

““Your patriarchal blessing is yours and yours alone. Your blessing . . . is to be read. It is to be loved. It is to be followed. Your patriarchal blessing will see you through the darkest night. It will guide you through life’s dangers. … Your patriarchal blessing is to you a personal Liahona to chart your course and guide your way. …”

On Being Spiritually Prepared, Thomas S. Monson, Liahona, Feb. 2010

I share my testimony that each of us has a divine nature and destiny, and that we must go to the Lord to learn it.  Our understanding of our nature and worth will likely be challenged again and again, which helps us refine our understandings and go again to the Lord to know His mind and will.   I believe the Lord does not want us to make assumptions about what we "should" do.  He wants us to come to Him.  Christ himself didn't live up to others' expectations.  The whole Jewish nation believed the purpose of the Savior was to free them from Roman rule.  Christ "failed" at that, but it didn't matter.  He got his mission from his Father, not others' expectations.  He fulfilled His mission on earth perfectly.

Because of the restored gospel, we know these things.  We know we are beloved, unique, valuable children of God and He loves and knows us.  I am so grateful for Joseph Smith's reliance on the Lord's guidance and his sacrifices to fulfill his nature and destiny, despite the opinions of men.  I am grateful for modern prophets, for scriptures, for the gift of the Holy Ghost, for priesthood, and for my role as a daughter of God.  I am grateful to have a knowledge of these things.  In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Five Keys to Living Abundantly

I wrote this article for the Inspirational Women's Magazine.

Five Keys to Living Abundantly

by Julia Bernards

Many people don’t even consider the possibility of abundance.  The law of scarcity so permeates culture that what many hope for is to have “enough;” the luxury of abundance seems beyond reach.   And it isn’t just economic abundance that eludes us; it is an abundance of love, beauty, time, kindness, energy, etc.  We are indoctrinated with the idea that there is only so much of these to go around, and all we can hope for is enough to get by on.  But that isn’t true—abundance is all around us, and can be ever-present in our lives, if only we choose it.

Here is how:

1.  Have an Attitude of Abundance.  Wayne Dyer said: “abundance is not something we acquire. It is something we tune into.[i]”  Abundance is all around us, but we must “tune in.”  A Zulu proverb points out: “Abundance does not spread; famine does.”  In other words, abundance is already all around us—it is the reality.  But scarcity can spread by the mentality we choose.   With an attitude of abundance, we see truly and fully what we have.  We focus on what is rather than what is not.

2.  Anticipate Abundance.  “The world is full of abundance and opportunity,” said Ben Sweetland, “ but far too many people come to the fountain of life with . . . a teaspoon instead of a tankard. They expect little and as a result they get little.”  Having your heart and mind ready and open for abundance will invite it in.  Kathy Gates encouraged: “You can’t predict, you can prepare. Experience the power of making decisions based on security instead of worry, readiness instead of reluctance, abundance instead of lack.”  We can experience the power of abundance when we anticipate abundance.

3.  Appreciate Abundance.  Gratitude and abundance go hand in hand.  “Gratitude is the open door to abundance.” Epicurus said: “Not what we have but what we enjoy, constitutes our abundance.”  The more we appreciate what is all around us, the more abundantly we will live.  And with an appreciative heart, we invite more abundance.  “Whatever we are waiting for – peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance – it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart, ” said Sarah Ban Breathnach.

4.  Apply Abundance.  When you are tuned in to the abundance in your life, you are happy to share it, and you rejoice in, rather than envy, others’ abundance.  Sharing willingly is a powerful deterrent to the mentality of scarcity.  As long as we have something to share, we have an abundance.  Applying abundance means putting the abundance in your life to use.  In the Bible we are taught[ii]: “Give and it will be given to you.  A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over.  . . For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”  When we use the measure of abundance in blessing others, we find that the abundance has only multiplied.  As Buddha said: “Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.”

5. Abide in Abundance.  Continuing in the attitude, anticipation, appreciation and application of abundance can be a challenge, especially as the mentality of scarcity rages like a disease around us.  Being constantly mindful of the thoughts you allow to permeate your life is necessary to abide in abundance.  Edith Armstrong said it well with this analogy: “I keep the telephone of my mind open to peace, harmony, health, love and abundance. Then whenever doubt, anxiety, or fear try to call me, they keep getting a busy signal and soon they’ll forget my number.”  When we actively focus our minds on abundance, those thought patterns will become part of us, and we will abide in abundance.

---

[i] I am grateful for so many quotes on abundance found on http://www.abundancetapestry.com/

[ii] Many words of wisdom regarding giving, sharing and generosity can be found at www.tentmaker.org

  

Consistent and Reliable

General Conference was wonderful, and I was grateful for the Spirit and the things I learned.

One of my important take-aways is that it is time for me to learn to be consistent and reliable.  Yikes.  Self-control and self-discipline are virtues I have never practiced enough to feel very good at.  The thought of being really consistent and reliable feels like having blinders put on, or being corralled into a very tight space. It isn't all that pleasant.  However, I believe that if I was to get myself to the point of being consistent and reliable, I would like and appreciate it.  

So right now, I am in the stage of "praying to want to," as my mom taught me to do.  She once drew me as a wild horse (and she was the harried handler); I still have something of the wild horse in me, I think.  Rules and schedules and consistency scare me sort of like eternity does--my mind does not yet fathom how it can all work.  Life is so capricious!  How can I be consistent in the face of the wild wind or surging sea?  It will take stronger stuff than that of which I am now made, I think.  Justification and rationalization have been more my style.

A while back, we visited the Oquirrh Mountain temple.  It is surrounded by a beautiful community called "Daybreak."  It is heavenly.  The roads radiate out from the temple like spokes of a wheel, the houses are all handsomely architected (with nary a street-facing garage among them), the lawns are perfect, the green spaces (along roads) are beautifully maintained and inviting, and there is a lake and there are play structures everywhere, all schools are within walking distance, there is the most amazingly beautiful spirit about the place and. . . wow.  It was so appealing I thought moving to Utah permanently might be a possibility.  

While we were there, I spoke with a woman at the lake and asked if she lived there.  She said she didn't, but  she brought her kids there from a ways away, because it was such a wonderful place to be.  She said they'd thought about buying a home there, but she figured there must be sooo many neighborhood ordinances that she just wouldn't be able to manage it.  I totally understood.  Keeping an immaculate yard and house are not something I really do.  Moving into a place that forced me to do it would be uncomfortable.  It made me think, though, that heaven must be the same way.  The more "ordinances" you are willing to keep, the nicer your heavenly neighborhood, because you live with people who also keep those ordinances.   The laws you are willing to abide by determines where you feel comfortable living, and what sort of a place that is.

With that thought, learning to be consistent and reliable seems even more important.  What will I miss out on in the next life if I don't learn to be consistent here?

Next, I need to figure out what is most important to me, so I can work on really being consistent and reliable in those things.  Sam gave me a worksheet for creating a personal constitution.  I think that would be a good start.  

I also, like I said, need help understand how.  Perhaps that will be clarified with the "what," but I don't know.  Anyway, that is where I am for now.

Pieces of Heaven

Our three months in Utah is drawing to a close, and I must say, it has been wonderful.  The neighborhood and ward have been wonderful.  Homeschooling is a delight.  The parks and libraries and museums and historical and church sites and mountains and so many things are just excellent.  Seeing family we haven't seen for quite a while and visiting friends, too, has been great.  This time has been very happy.

Yesterday, the kids were antsy and asking to go to the park.  I needed to finish up a few more things, and put them off for a while, but finally agreed that they could go if they all went together, and I would follow soon.  A few minutes later, when I walked down to the park, it was like walking into a beautiful,  heavenly dream.

To get to the park, we walk down into a gulley/valley, where all the colors are now turning with fall.  Then you cross a foot bridge over a creek and come out onto an emerald green lawn, dappled golden with falling leaves.  The autumn sun was warm and mellow, the smells of wood chips and sweet, old leaves was in the air, and there, across the lawn, were my four children happily playing, enjoying the day and the pleasures of childhood.

It was a moment I never want to forget.  There was such a feeling of contentment and joy; I just stood and savored it.  What a beautiful life I have.  What a gift to have these four wonderful children, and to be able to enjoy them every day.  What deliciousness of day, what loveliness of light was there to behold.  Entwining my life with my children's has been so sweet.  I feel like I get to enjoy childhood all over again, and become as a child.  I relish the opportunity.

Tomorrow, we will pack up and Thursday, if all goes well, we will start the journey home.  This has been an enchanted time, and I know that like all enchantments, this one must come to an end.  Still, it has been so pleasant that I can't help hoping for another sort of enchantment in the days ahead.  Winter is coming, and we will be back in Bentonville with it's attendant "real life."  Nevertheless, I hope for the magic of quiet winter days, snuggled cozy and content.  I hope for a continuation of the joy of homeschooling.  I hope for beauty and love and learning and laughter and life.

Lost in time and space

I went to my parent's house last weekend, without Sam or the kids, for Grandpa Charlie's 90th birthday. At my request, Mom, Sarah and I began to organize, scan and label photographs and slides.  There are thousands.  Dad was (and is) a prolific photographer.  And as I sat there, surrounded by the past, my mind became unstuck in time.  My perspective was no longer linear.  It was like being in an airplane and seeing a whole city laid out below, rather than driving a car down one street.  I saw back for a hundred years, through photographs.  I mistook my sister Sarah, with baby Charlie, for Dorothea, all grown up, with a baby of her own.  It was strange and normal, all at once.  It was beautiful.

One of the most touching parts about being unstuck in time was that I had Dad back for a while.  He was there in the photographs, but also present with me.  During Sacrament meeting on Sunday I sat next to him and rested my head on his shoulder, as I did innumerable times as a girl and young woman.  The feeling of the material of his suit against my cheek, the slant and slightness of his shoulder, and even his laying his head briefly against the top of mine all transcended a particular moment and brought me into contact with him as he was, again.  Monday morning, a lady from SaraCare came to pick Dad up, and as they backed out of the driveway I followed, waving and blowing kisses until he was out of sight, just as I did every time he drove away from home in my childhood.  It was another moment of connection, of transcending time, of perceiving outside of time.

Now I miss him.  I'm not sure I did fully, before.   College, marriage, and moving out of state, had distanced me from him enough that by the time Alzheimers started affecting cognitive changes, his presence wasn't really a pattern in my brain, any more.  But this weekend, that changed.  He came back to me.  And now there is a dull ache in my heart and an emptiness.

Yesterday, Sam and the kids and I had dinner with some of Sam's colleagues.  The husband shared something with us that he had learned from his father--speed ball boxing--before his father died.  It was impressive and thrilling to watch, and I could see his love for his father as he did it. (Watch the last 15 seconds).  I had spoken with him about Dad a little, and when I commented how wonderful it was that he had something from his Dad, and I wish I did, he said pointed out that I, too, could "put beautiful things on a table," as I'd told him Dad had.  I will.

What I want to have of Dad's:
Gentleness
Genuine interest in and love for people
A positive attitude
Patience
Testimony
Good habits of journaling and scripture reading
Revelation
Purity of Spirit

And here are some of Dad's pictures: