Dolce fa' niente

     In my meeting with Dr. McKenna today, she talked with me about what depression might do for me—does it actually fulfill any needs?  She asked if I felt like Sam would only listen to me when I was “sick”, or if somehow being “sick” gave me permission to take a much, much needed break, (I don’t know that I have felt like depression “gives me permission” because I feel terrible about the down time, but I do really  need down time, and don’t seem to take it unless I am forced to by a weak mind/mental illness.)  She asked if it would be possible to give myself down time—time to rejuvenate, to write, to think and see and appreciate and live in the moment—without being depressed.  She is a master of questions like that—questions that have a fairly obvious answer, but which I have never considered before.  I brought up having watched “Eat, Pray, Love”, and the Italian culture where “dolce fa’niente” is an acceptable, normal part of life.  In American society, the sweetness of doing nothing is considered laziness.  Productivity is a must, all the time.  It is hard for me to get away from that understanding.  Dr. McKenna brought up again that from my writing, before we even met, she was aware that I have very good, healthy understandings and ideas.  What she has seen is that there is a disconnect, somewhere, so that I have a hard time implementing and really believing or doing what I know cognitively.  I think it goes against years of culturally ingrained ideas to appreciate “dulce fa’ niente.” 

     I would certainly rather work that down time, the rejuvenation, into my everyday life than have it sort of forced upon me by the depression that comes when I get overwhelmed and stuck.  In the former case, I can really enjoy and appreciate the down time.  In the latter, it comes with a lot of pain and misery.  Anyway, I don’t know at this point if I can really, fully escape having depression again.  Catching it early is important.  Last time, I couldn’t come up with early warning signs—all the symptoms I could list were full blown depression.  However, since then, I’ve figured some out: feeling overwhelmed and anxious, feeling stuck or in a “funk,” not wanting to do things I usually enjoy.  When those surface I need to immediately boost myself up with social time, get help quickly to lighten my load, make sure I am enjoying “dolce fa’ niente” time, and carefully check my thoughts for negative patterns, etc.  Being in the hospital with Isaac for a few days quickly brought those feelings on.  Having Sam take over for a night and day made sooo much difference.  Being able to get away, get a clearer perspective, etc, calmed my anxiety and cleared my mind. 

     Dr. McKenna also talked about how gratitude is absolutely essential to happiness, and encouraged me to write down several things a day that I am grateful for—particularly things from that day—moments of beauty, joy, or whatever.  She said recording and keeping those fleeting moments of beauty can be like picking up pennies and putting them in a piggy bank.  We adults tend not to care about a penny, and let it lie, unappreciated.  Same with a brief moment of beauty or fun or happiness.  But simply making the mental decision to appreciate and collect them can soon give you a bank full of joy to draw on and savor.  I told her that my mind tends towards the negative, and if I let my mind wander I soon discover I am pondering one of the many horrible ways my children might die.  It almost never wanders toward beauty, joy, or positive things.  Yet, there is so much beauty around me.  Especially now in the spring, I see and appreciate it every time I go outside.  Now I just need to actually “collect” it by writing it down.

     As I was feeling more up than before, I mentioned that with those happier, more energetic feelings I was considering how I could be a better steward of all that I have been given.  I told her I want to do better about dressing the kids nicely, washing the car and keeping it cleaner inside, working on the yard and stuff like that.  "Why?" she said, urging me to examine my priorities and make decisions about how I spend my time and energy  based on what is most important to me (not what my neighbors might think, or whatever.)  If having a cleaner car is most important to me, and makes me happy, then by all means act on it.  However, if it is just one more thing to add to a to-do list that I feel like I "should" do now that I have more energy, it might be wise to reconsider.  She reminded me that we often feel like others notice us more than they actually do.  People tend to be more focused on themselves and their own issues than on others'.  I believe that, and seldom make decisions based on what someone else might think (hence my car seldom getting washed, my children sometimes going to school without their hair brushed, and me not being the height of fashion).  Still, I would like to be a good steward of myself and what I have been given as much as I am able.  I would feel more confident if I attended to my appearance more.  

     Anyway, it was a great opportunity to talk!  

A Seed of Corn Falling

When I was in Mexico for the summer, back in 1999, I enjoyed the daily life there, and getting to learn and participate in some of the tasks.  I got to learn how to make masa (corn dough) and tortillas, how to desgranar (de-grain) the corn cobs, and finally how to plant the corn.  As I was working with a family in one of their small lots, sowing corn, the mother of the family laughed at my interest in the task and prodded me "Andas chillando." (You're miserable doing this.)  "No," I replied. "Estoy contenta."  Then, voicing my thoughts, I suppose, I added, "Es el maiz que llora.  Cae como lagrimas de oro.  Pero, son lagrimas de gozo, porque sabe que solo por caer, pueda alzarse."  (I'm sure my grammar was that bad, and worse.)  The woman looked at me (perhaps trying to figure out what I was trying to say), and puzzled a bit.  I don't think many rancheras come up with poetry off the top of their head as they are sowing.  At least, I never heard any.  It makes me laugh to think what she must have thought of me.

Today as I was reading the scriptures, in John, I discovered that Christ made a similar metaphor as he was pondering the atonement.  He said "except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone: but if it die it bringeth forth much fruit."  This weekend I have been pondering about my lot in life.  I read a book "Washington's Lady" (by a Christian author, and it was painfully poor writing) about Martha Washington, and thought about how much she had to do without her husband.  I wondered if I will often have to do without Sam. If that is what is required, I'm sure I can do it, but I'd like to know, so I'm prepared.  And if Sam will be off being a hero and making amazing things happen, what will my lot be at home?  I have dreams yet, and hopes and goals, and sitting at home and dutifully waiting for him to appear, whenever he will, does not settle with me.  What does it mean "whosoever will save his life shall lose it; and whosoever will lose his life, for my sake, shall find it."

I once thought that meant losing myself in motherhood--in being more concerned with the care of my family than myself as an individual.  I created a dialectic of individuality and community and felt community was "right" and should win.  Now I don't feel that way.  I understand better that individuality does not oppose community, or vice versa, and both are essential for the well-being of the other.  As I read and pondered in John, and then in Mosiah 6, I thought about how losing one's life means seeking the will of the Lord rather than one's own will--taking his name upon us and such.  I thought about the story in the April 2011 conference, about the bush that got trimmed down to size by the farmer, and how much it resented having its  tall growth removed.  But it was the farmer's goal magnify the bush's being--to make it what it really was.  I felt cut down upon being a mother.  My beautiful tall growth of scholar, contributer, productive, intelligent person were all trimmed away, and it hurt my pride!  But my heart was still there, the essence of what I was, and after a time, I started growing again, and taking the essential me-ness that had grown into those things and putting that energy and those qualities into other things.  I flowered (with children and knowledge and experience) as an overgrown bush doesn't.  My energy went into things closer to home.  I filled out instead of shooting upwards.

A seed doesn't really "die" when it is dropped into the earth, if planted in good ground.  But it does have to give up being what it is--a self-contained packet of possibility, "abid[ing] alone"--in order to "bring forth much fruit."   God doesn't want us to give up who we truly are--our innate being and potential--he just wants us to magnify it.  He doesn't ask the corn seed to grow into a rose bush, just from a corn kernel to a corn stalk.  He will lead us in that change, because he knows how to make the change, if we will follow him.

So, I am willing to follow Him.  I don't know fully what I am yet, I realize, or what he wants me to become.  And he does give me choices about which way I'd like to grow, and he leads me, too.  It has been hard, this last year, to feel buried.  I would like to grow.  I would like to weep tears of joy and be fruitful.

Stop "Shoulding"

This morning I reflected on my tendency to "should" myself, as Dr. McKenna said.  There was conflict in my mind about stopping the shoulds, because surely there ARE things that I "should" do.  How can I reconcile commandments with not "shoulding?"  After pondering for a while, pieces began to come together.  I wrote myself a list:

1. When you start using "should" in self-talk, about yourself, someone else, or the situation you are in, STOP!
2. Instead of assuming you know what "should" be, ask God what He wants for/of the situation or yourself. (Sometimes it will be my choice--there are many right possibilities.  Then decide what I want, given what is, and make it happen.)
3. Pray, ponder, gain strength from knowing his will.
* The Lord's expectations of me are perfectly realistic, gentle, loving, and often far different from my own.
* When I "should" myself, others, or the situation, I am often assuming that my will is the Lords will, or that I know the Lord's will intuitively without having to ask.  As if.
* I've never, in prayer, felt that the Lord desires or requires of me anything that is unmanageable.  When I go to Him and seek His will, he also gives the courage/strength/desire to do it.  When I present my day to him, and ask what he would like done with it, I am often surprised by how easy, gentle, and manageable his desires are.  Sometimes it is as simple as "do what will make you happy," or "enjoy your children."

As Dr. McKenna pointed out, when I use "should" in self talk, about myself or the situation, I am making a judgement of right/wrong, and consequently feel tense and unhappy, because things are "wrong" or "bad."  Actually, they just are, and if I see simply that they are, it is freeing! I determine what the Lord wants, sometimes, and usually what I want, and that is more helpful.  Deciding what I want doesn't make a judgement call.  It is more flexible.  I realize that others sometimes want something that is not what I want, and neither desire is wrong.  My way is not right, and theirs wrong.

I believe that the point of the commandments and gospel that God has given us is to help us be happy in this difficult trial of life.  He said "judge not that ye be not judged."  When I judge (by "shoulding") myself, the situation, others, etc., it leads to unhappiness.  I've long recognized that in judging others and situations, we are going to get the mental habit of judging ourselves, too, and that is miserable.  It will eventually be our judgement of ourselves (where we feel comfortable) that determines where we go in eternity, so it is good to be accepting of things (and ourselves!) as much as possible.

The story of Mary and Martha also struck me as extremely pertinent as i consider these things:

38 ¶Now it came to pass, as they went, that he entered into a certain village: and a certain woman named ^aMartha received him into her house.

 39 And she had a sister called Mary, which also sat at Jesus’ feet,and heard his word.

 40 But Martha was cumbered about much serving, and came tohim, and said, Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? bid her therefore that she help me.

 41 And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art ^acareful and troubled about many things:

 42 But one thing is needful: and Mary hath ^achosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.

Doubtless, Martha wanted everything to be perfect when she received Jesus into her home.  She had expectations for the cleaning, the food preparation, etc., etc., if she was anything like me.  And so, trying to fulfill all of her expectations about how she would receive the Lord, she was "cumbered about much serving."  She must have been feeling stressed and unhappy when she went to Jesus and asked him to bid Mary to help her.  Her expectations weren't being met, she was failing as a hostess!  Jesus recognized this immediately, and called it out.  He said she was "careful and troubled" or worried and unhappy about many things (all her expectations of herself, of the situation and of Mary).  As it turned out, though, and as Jesus told her, all her "shoulds" were unneccessary.  Only "one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her."  The one thing that Mary was doing--the one important, necessary thing--the thing that Jesus wanted from both of them--was simply that they come to him and learn of Him and listen to Him.  All of Martha's expectations, preparations and worries were not required of the Lord.  He had not given her those "shoulds," she had, and was not the better for it.  The simple act of sitting at the Savior's feet, however, was all that Mary was doing, and all that needed to be done, and she was the better and happier for it.

If I can recognize the "should's" that I give myself, and which make me unhappy, and then stop "shoulding" myself, and instead discover the will of the Lord, or pursue my own desires for happiness, I believe I will be much happier.  The Lord doesn't give busy work, he gives us the work of life, and love and joy.

Another scripture fits this learning very well, also.  It is Matthew 11: 28-30: Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

 29Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

 30For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

The yoke I give myself is heavy, because it is full of "shoulds."  If I will take His yoke, though, meaning that I do his will, and accept the load he would give me instead of the one I make for myself, I will have rest and my burden will be light.