Center for Psychology

After a couple of particularly down weeks last month, I decided I needed counseling.   I searched the area for psychologists, checked with our insurance, and finally found a place that I am totally thrilled about.  It is the Center for Psychology, and today was my first appointment.  I saw Dr. Suzanne McKenna, and I really enjoyed our time together.

Yesterday, in anticipation of our appointment, I printed and dropped off some of the blog posts from this blog for her to read through, to get an idea of me and my struggles.  When I met with her, she had read them all and referenced them frequently.  It gave us some good things to talk about.

Dr. McKenna asked wonderful questions that allowed me to see my assumptions and expectations more clearly.  And then she challenged my assumptions and expectations.  She pointed out that the insights that I come to in my writing are wonderful, but I seem to have a hard time moving them from my head to my heart.  It is one thing to know something, another to feel and believe it.

Here are some highlights I appreciated:
-She pointed out that my expectations are often unrealistic and lead to a feeling of failure.
-Expectations are ours to set, as is our definition of success and failure.
-The experiences of life are like a bell curve.  Some are awesome, some are terrible, and most of them are average.  When we feel terrible when something is wonderful, or expect the majority of life to be awesome, there is a cognitive disconnect that can be be worked on.
-Don't judge things.  Don't worry if the glass is half full or half empty.  Recognize that it is water, and you could drink it, water a plant with it, or toss it out the window.  Accept what is and simply decide what you will do with it.  Making a judgement about whether a situation is good or bad, right or wrong leads to unhappiness, severely limits your options, and is unproductive.
-As a corollary of that, stop using "should" in self-talk.  Instead of saying "I should be happy for my kids" or "I should be this or do that," decide what I want to do.  "Should" makes it a judgement of right or wrong, and leads to beating myself up.
-Dialectic Behavior Therapy sets up the spectrum of accepting yourself as you are and challenging yourself to improve.  They seem mutually exclusive, yet there must be harmony between them for a happy, successful life.
-Cognitive Behavioral Therapy seeks to make one mindful of self-talk, or how one interprets a situation and  his/her own behavior, and, when it is particularly negative and leads to unhappiness, reformulate it so that perceptions and interpretations reflect a more positive scenario.
-She said that if I lived the insights I was having in my writing, I would be a very healthy person.  Having the answers is not the same as living them.

Her challenge to me was to remove "should" (and all its synonyms) from my self talk.

I'm already looking forward to our next session.

Valuing Dad

We enjoyed a great visit from Mom and Dad for Carol's baptism.  I was able to see Dad even more clearly this time, as mom left for a couple of days and I got to have more one on one time with him.

Many things are the same as they were--always wanting to help, picking up anything out of place, washing dishes, whistling, as well as not being able to find (or recognize) the sink, counter, trash can, or read a book.  This time I witnessed his depression more, though.  Perhaps it was because I felt like I was seeing what I myself had been feeling.  His posture was particularly poor, as if weighed down with sorrow.  When I asked what he was thinking about, he seldom answered and instead, sometimes with tears in his eyes, would tip his head side to side, and give a sort of rueful laugh.  It was too heavy, too sorrowful to give voice to.

I watched him and thought "How do you go on when you feel worthless, stuck and lonely/unattached?" and "How hard it is to accept God's will when His will is for you to be weak and a burden on others."  I thought about how hard that has been for me, how tied my sense of worth has been to what I can do.

But then I thought also about the broader design, in which we each are only a strand of thread.  I thought about how important our weaknesses are in the pattern--to strengthen others, to allow God's light to shine through, to try and test us.  I thought that accepting God's will for us to be weak and a burden is as important as accepting God's will for us to be strong and mighty in good works, or whatever else He might require.  It is not that we should not strive to improve, but the fact is, we aren't going to be perfect in this life, and some things will grow weaker (our fallen bodies especially) as others grow stronger.  We can seek for peace, for acceptance of what is or be miserable about it.  Either way, the Lord has use for our weakness, and we can be building His kingdom and valuable in His work of bringing about the immortality and eternal life of man, even in weakness.

That is what I saw in Dad.  I saw an opportunity me to challenge myself, to reach out in love, to measure myself in my reactions to a man who has fallen prey to mortality.  It is how we treat the weakest among us--the children, widows, poor and needy--that shows the measure of our character.  How will I treat Dad?  What does his weakness show me about myself?  What a beautiful part he is now playing in the tapestry of life--a sequin, perhaps, reflecting back to others around him what their true colors are.  There is worth in weakness.

Now, if only I could communicate that to him, so he, too, could see his worth and lift up his head and rejoice.

As I watched him, I thought about myself, and that it is possible that I will find myself in his shoes in 30 years.  I want to prepare, to have a plan for myself, that will bring joy to me and others as my faculties dwindle.  More importantly, though, I want to have internalized the words I have been writing.  I want to believe that even weakness has worth, and to have believed and lived it for a while, so that when weakness is what is left to me, I can still value my own life, and embrace the Lord's will for me.

Seeking courage

Today in church the Lord answered my unspoken prayers.  I’d spoken with Sam last night about my feelings of sadness and failure.  I feel discouraged about how easily I act unkindly, how easily I am grumpy, impatient, and angry.  I even hit Dorothea the other day when she didn’t stop whining about an easy job I’d asked her to do.  I was appalled.  I feel repulsed by myself—by the anger and impatience, by the poor mothering , when I know better.  I long to escape this fallen body and the evil of my telestial nature.  My heart desires to express its loving, tender, nurturing feelings, to encourage and see the best in my children, to help them see it and to reach their potential.  I am sure I was a better mother two years ago than I am now, and it rips me up to know it.  Why continue?  What is the point, if I am, despite the time and my best efforts, actually getting worse!?  I fasted mid-week to try to subdue my offensive feelings/actions and let my spirit through.  It helped—at least I didn’t hit or yell.  I took the sacrament today hoping to be forgiven, which is what I’ve been praying for this week. 

So, in sacrament meeting (fast and testimony meeting), I was grateful for some wisdom that was shared:

Take solace in your family.  When I just enjoy my children and have no other agenda for that time, there is joy and peace.  This week as I’ve prayed about how to spend the day (snow days—the kids have been home from school) just spending time having fun with the children has been repeatedly high on the list.  This surprised me a bit—surely there is something more productive I should be doing?  The good Lord knows.

Giving service brings meaning and purpose to life.  I’ve been looking for something to enjoy in this life and trying to remember what I enjoy—what there is to enjoy.  It seems like the things I enjoy more and more are things that are to be had more fully in heaven.  Family, beauty, righteousness, truth, love, etc.  But giving service—improving other people’s lives now, here, in this veil of tears—that is something to be done on earth and well worth doing.  That is something to give purpose, joy, and even pleasure.   I even had a chance to give a very small service, when one of the children in the primary class I was substitute teaching began to cry and couldn’t/wouldn’t stop.  They were quiet tears, and I didn’t know until someone pointed it out.  Then, I could simply put my arm around him and help him find his dad.  I hope he had a better day because of it.

Change happens slowly.  Sam actually brought this learning home to me, because it was given in Sunday School, and I was in primary.  Ezra T. Benson wrote: “. . .we must be careful, as we seek to become more and more godlike, that we do not become discouraged and lose hope.  Becoming Christ-like is a lifetime pursuit and very often involves growth and change that is slow, almost imperceptible. . . Day by day [we] move closer to the Lord, little realizing [we] are building a godlike life.  [We] live quiet lives of goodness, service and commitment. . . like the Lamanites, who the Lord said “were baptized with fire and with the Holy Ghost, and they knew it not.”  Again, I am reminded of a talk I never actually heard, which James (my brother) gave and later related to me.  He talked about a man who decided to start running and laid out a route for himself.  There was a hill he had to climb, and he put it at the beginning of the route, when he would be most fresh.  Still it was a challenge.  Nevertheless, he stuck to his route and built muscle and stamina, so that it began to grow easier.  He was pleased with his progress, and decided to add to the route, to stay challenged.  Over time he continued to improve and then add to the route.  At last, satisfied with his level of fitness, he decided to reverse the route, so that the hill he had previously approached at the beginning of the run, when he was fresh, was shifted to the end of a much longer route.  He struggled with that hill again, and it was humbling for it to be such a challenge, when it had previously become easy.  One of his neighbors, having watched his daily runs, was disgusted to see him struggle slowly up the hill which he had once jogged up lightly, and concluded that the man was less in shape than when he began, and that they exercise had been a failure.   

 I hope, hope, hope that that is what I am experiencing—a struggle where once there had been success could mean either that I am failing, or that I am growing and challenged in other places, so mothering seems to have taken a step backwards.  I don’t know.  If that is the case, I wish I could see where it is that I am progressing, because it does certainly seem imperceptible to me.

Discipline and Flexibility

I have been very aware lately of my lack of and need for discipline.  I've allowed things to more or less "happen as they happen" or something like that.  That is, we have family prayer every morning and night, and we read scriptures as a family each day.  We get the kids to school on time, with breakfast in their bellies and lunch in their backpacks, and we go to church every Sunday and have family home evening every week--but everything feels rote.  We are going through the motions but lacking discipline, lacking purpose and therefore not making progress as a family.

Undoubtedly this is (at least in part) due to my sort of falling apart last year.  I let a lot of things "go" as I struggled along, and though what "went" wasn't the things in and of themselves, it was certainly the vitality behind those things.  We are like a limp fish and a wilting plant.

Ethan has been struggling in school.  He has a hard time staying focused and on-task, keeping track of his things, and following through.  He has recently incurred the wrath of his teacher by failing to turn things in, or even be able to locate them, and by complaining about assignments.  At home, I tried to tutor him through keeping track of this things, having a place for them and not losing them.  I tried to tell him that he needed to create order, even as we sorted through 6-inch high piles of my own papers which are in a state of udder chaos. Children learn by example, and I have not been an example of discipline lately.  

That I need to discipline myself is clear. (This discipline meaning: to bring to a state of order and obedience by training and control.) How/what exactly to do is something I am pondering on, especially as I am trying at the same time to be flexible with myself and others, and realistic in the understanding that life with young children is hard to predict, so adaptability is essential.  How can I be both disciplined and flexible? How can I breath life and purpose into my own actions and my family once again?

I decided that "A disciple has discipline" (and the devil's in distraction.)  If I want to be a true disciple of Christ and teach my children to be, too, I need to create discipline in my own life and then model and teach it in theirs.  I also need to stop allowing the distractions (all the other things that pull me away from what is most important) to erode that discipline.  I need to fear God more than man and choose the right, even when it is inconvenient, or I'm tired, or I just feel like doing something else.  I need to gird up my loins and exert self-control.  And be flexible at the same time.

As I started my fast last night and prayed for insight and help in my attempt to gain discipline, I thought about having our family get up at 6 am for family scripture, instead of doing it before bed.  I thought how that might help the kids be more awake when they need to get dressed, make their beds and lunches and get ready for school starting at 6:30am.  (I think it is a little obscene to have school start at 7:30 am for such  young children.)  And then I thought about the fact that Isaac is still frequently ill, and I seldom get to bed before 10:30, and am often up several times with him, and so a 6am morning would leave me exhausted and grumpy.  Also, as the kids showed me by sleeping in past 8:20 this morning (they would have slept longer but church is at 9am so I woke them), they need more sleep than they are getting, too.  Sleep is precious; I hate to interrupt it.

Perhaps discipline does not need to entail when things are done so much as how they are done.  It is more important for me to study the scriptures with real intent than to do it at any particular time of day, I believe.  (Though my day certainly goes better when it is my first priority of the morning.)  Perhaps for things like organizing my house, it is less important how it is done than that it is done.  Of course, for things like getting to school, the when is more important that the how, perhaps.    Am I getting anywhere with this?  What does it mean to be disciplined, anyway?  

Clay Christiansen learned that it is easier to obey the rules 100% of the time than 99% of the time, because if you aren't 100% committed, there will always be reasons/excuses to be "flexible," which means there will be many times you won't follow the rule.  That is the kind of flexibility that I don't want to have, but have given myself this last year, I think.  Perhaps discipline is more about choosing what is most important--the commandments and doctrines, etc--and training yourself to obey, to do, even when it is not convenient or easy.  That allows for flexibility, I think because it is seldom the things that are most important to me that are time-bound.  I want to get dinner on at a certain time, and I can work towards that, but if I need to spend time with a child, or something that is a higher priority, it might be more disciplined to let go of dinner for a while and do what is more important.

Of course, things like creating order are important, and aren't time-bound, which means that they get put off and put off, and I end up with 6 inch tall piles of papers which swallow things.  In that case, disciplining myself might mean making time to do it.  It is much more fun to check gmail or facebook, but those are far lower priorities.  Discipline means doing what needs to be done, even when I don't feel like it.  It means making time for things that I don't enjoy because they are important, perhaps.  It means doing the right thing even when it is emotionally unattractive and not allowing distraction to veer me off course.  In some cases, what I need most is some R and R.  Then, the cleaning becomes a distraction.   Surely a body would need a highly complex brain and the gift of the Holy Ghost to do all this right.  

"The Light shineth in darkness" John 1:5

I am late in recounting this experience, but I wanted to get it down, nonetheless.

Last year I read the Book of Mormon, and in late November or early December I was in Ether, reading the account of the Brother of Jared.  I was struck by what was recorded about his passage to the promised land:

5 And it came to pass that the Lord God caused that there should be a furious wind blow upon the face of the waters, towards the promised land; and thus they were tossed upon the waves of the sea before the wind. 6And it came to pass that they were many times buried in the depths of the sea, because of the mountain waves which broke upon them, and also the great and terrible tempests which were caused by the fierceness of the wind.7And it came to pass that when they were buried in the deep there was no water that could hurt them, their vessels being tight like unto a dish, and also they were tight like unto the ark of Noah; therefore when they were encompassed about by many waters they did cry unto the Lord, and he did bring them forth again upon the top of the waters.8And it came to pass that the wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land while they were upon the waters; and thus they were driven forth before the wind. 9And they did sing praises unto the Lord; yea, the brother of Jared did sing praises unto the Lord, and he did thank and praise the Lord all the day long; and when the night came, they did not cease to praise the Lord. 10And thus they were driven forth; and no monster of the sea could break them, neither whale that could mar them; and they did have light continually, whether it was above the water or under the water.11And thus they were driven forth, three hundred and forty and four days upon the water.12And they did land upon the shore of the promised land. And when they had set their feet upon the shores of the promised land they bowed themselves down upon the face of the land, and did humble themselves before the Lord, and did shed tears of joy before the Lord, because of the multitude of his tender mercies over them. (Ether 6: 5-12)

I felt like I could relate to the Jaredites as they spent a year being tossed about and having mountain waves break on them and being buried and encompassed about.  Last year was a difficult year--dark and overwhelming and turbulent.  I also related to them in singing praises to the Lord even in the midst of a difficult journey, and having light in the darkness. 

It occurred to me as I read, that the Jaredite crossing is like our life.  In order to get us to the promised land, the Lord has to send a strong wind (opposition) which buffets and challenges us, which discomfits and overwhelms us.  If the crossing is made in darkness, which for many of us it is, we may rail about a cruel, capricious God who doesn't listen to our pleas for calmer seas, and doesn't care that we are weary and miserable.  In the light, though, we see otherwise.  

The light that the brother of Jared (tboJ) brought onto the boats was a physical light, but I realized that it represented much more.  When tboJ went to the Lord to get light, he received Light--truth, knowledge and an understanding of things as they really are and really will be.  He spoke with Jesus face to face and saw all things from the end to the beginning.  He acted in faith and came away with an unshakable testimony of the nature of God, his Son, and their love for us.  That was the LIGHT he brought with him.  That was why he could sing praises to God in the midst of tempests, and never cease from praising in the dark of night.  He saw clearly, he knew rightly, so no storm could shake him, and he did not vacillate with the waves of affliction or opinion or philosophy.  (James 1:6)  

In later reflection, I remembered it was two of those stones that became the urim and thummim (lights and perfections), and which brought truth to light for Joseph Smith as he searched for a solid foundation in his world of turbulent religion and shifting doctrines.  

I am grateful for the gift of light and truth.  It allows me to get through dark times and places without losing sight of what is real or give in to relativity and despair.  Instead, I can praise the Lord without ceasing and understand that the winds and waves which beset me can be for my good, and can blow me forth to the promised land.

Making the Shift

Vacation is over.  I am so sad to let it go.  This vacation has been more of a vacation than I remember having had in a long time.  Over the last week I felt myself let go of so much stress--I relaxed!  I slept in, and watched movies and wasn't a stickler for bedtime or dinner time or anything.  I was able to shed the up-tightness that has been an ever-present part of my personality and life for as long as I can remember.  It felt wonderful to have Sam's family over and simply enjoy playing and cooking and talking instead of worrying that dinner wouldn't be ready until 9pm at this rate (we ended up changing plans and getting dinner on at 7:30pm-hah!) or that the kids wouldn't get enough sleep and would be miserable the next day.  It was so nice to just enjoy the people around me and their energy and such.  It was fun to have a party every night.  It was great not to make judgements about what was acceptable in terms of timing and activities just enjoy.  Usually I have such a small realm of what I feel comfortable with and accepting of and what I consider fun--that is not fun, and I really liked having it be otherwise.

So, the thought of going back to schedules, to having to deal with "late" and "too much/too little" and jumping through the hoops of society and life was totally unpleasant.  We did it, though, and the kids arrived at school on time, having been given breakfast (not that it was eaten) and a lunch, and being appropriately clothed.  And then I took Isaac to the doctor and then took Dorothea and Isaac to Creation Corner (the Mom's Day Out program.)  All by 10 am.  There were days last week when I wasn't out of bed by 10am.  Anyway. . .

As I exercised this morning, I listened to a book on tape that my mom suggested--My Stroke of Insight.  I've really been enjoying it, and this morning I listened to chapters 15 and 16 in which she describes the characteristic thought /feeling patterns that go with each side of the brain.  I realized I've been in my right hemisphere this last week--living in the moment, feeling at one with the world and not making judgements about right/wrong, good/bad, or feeling the pressure of any kind of schedule.  It has been wonderful.  The left brain is the time keeper, the comparison maker, the judge, the verbal expositor, etc.  It made me wonder if I could keep up the experience in a non-vacation time, at least to an extent.  Could I turn off the "judge" and just enjoy things more?  On the other hand, I know the Lord gave us both parts of our brain for a reason, and if we don't use our left brain to regulate our right brain, nothing would get done and decisions would be made simply by what feels good in the moment, so trouble would arise pretty quickly.  Commandments are left-brained things, I believe, and love is right-brained.  I would love to learn better how to activate each appropriately, so my "judge" doesn't speak up when it is unwanted, but my holistic, peaceful, loving side doesn't get lost in the universe, either.  I want to be productive (left brained) but also feel connected (right brained.)  

It truly is amazing to me to learn more about how the Lord created us in a way that allows so many types of experiences and requires control of ourselves and our thoughts.  What was going on  (in my brain) when I was depressed, I wonder?  I couldn't think linearly or multi-task at all (left brain) and making decisions was exceptionally difficult, as all options felt bad. I was stuck in this diffuse, negatively-charged darkness.  What was going on in my brain?  How did sleep and exercise and writing and such change it?  

Anyway, I am sorry to make the shift out of vacation mode, but I was grateful to have the experience.  Surely I can learn to integrate those hemispheres better, and have a more enjoyable life all around!?

p.s. I wish I could find/make this image, because it (in my mind) shows the left brain/right brain work in writing poetry.  It would be a young woman in profile, writing with her left hand, which is towards the camera.  The pen is angled with top to the right, and extends up to her shoulder and is shaped like a funnel.  Going into the funnel are a thousand beautiful pictures.  The pictures would be swirled together and in vibrant color, but everything else would be black and white, especially the black words on white paper.

pps.  I think Ethan is functions more often in his left brain and Carol in her right brain.  They complement each other well.

Who Am I? searching for a solid sense of self

Sam and I have been reading a book together whose premise is "Marriage is a people-growing process."  In other words, don't expect it to be comfortable and easy all the time.  That is not its purpose.  Its purpose is to challenge you to grow up, to progress, to become your best self.  The author goes on to explain that in order to be flexible enough in marriage to respond to its demands and founded enough to move forward, we need (among other things) a solid (but flexible) sense of self.

As I have been reading and pondering how this applies to me, and as I have been evaluating my feelings and actions, particularly those that are not what I would like them to be, it has occurred to me that I do not have a solid sense of myself.  I've needed to redefine myself several times throughout my life, because of both internal and external changes which deconstructed crucial elements of what I defined as "me." 

I fasted yesterday for help in this process, and had some good direction: 1) my patriarchal blessing is full of the Lord's perspective about who I am; 2) the scriptures and hymns that a was presented with yesterday reminded me that I need to become more and more like the Savior; 3) I need to get a sense of myself that is not dependent on external circumstances, like being a student, a mother, a wife, or an employee, but is eternal and clarifies what I bring to each of those rolls. 

Well, two weeks have passed sinse I wrote the above.  I have continued to think about who I am, and what I have to contribute.  In church today, the Sunday School lesson was about the temple and one of the scriptures that was shared was D&C 97:14, about how the temple is a place where we can go to understand our ministry.  The questions was asked "What is your ministry?" In part, the answer to that is the external rolls I mentioned before, of mother, wife, student, also in my callings, etc.  I also felt, however, that gaining a vision of my ministry would help me, because I am not simply "a mother," I am mother Julia.  So having a sense of myself will synthesize with my understanding of my ministries to guide me on my way and give me a grounded place from which to work. 

Who am I and what am I to do?

Here are some of the answers I've gotten:
-I am tender and gentle, and in that gentleness, I can have great power to influence, bless and lift others.
-I am visionary--I see patterns in everything around me that leads me to truth
-I have great desires for good, and love what is holy and eternal
-I have felt the Spirit of Elijah and I take great joy in family history work
-I am chaste
-I am willing to endure hardships
-I have faith in God and His son, Jesus Christ, as my Savior
-I love to teach and share the truths that I have

I hope for more to come soon!