Stop "Shoulding"

This morning I reflected on my tendency to "should" myself, as Dr. McKenna said.  There was conflict in my mind about stopping the shoulds, because surely there ARE things that I "should" do.  How can I reconcile commandments with not "shoulding?"  After pondering for a while, pieces began to come together.  I wrote myself a list:

1. When you start using "should" in self-talk, about yourself, someone else, or the situation you are in, STOP!
2. Instead of assuming you know what "should" be, ask God what He wants for/of the situation or yourself. (Sometimes it will be my choice--there are many right possibilities.  Then decide what I want, given what is, and make it happen.)
3. Pray, ponder, gain strength from knowing his will.
* The Lord's expectations of me are perfectly realistic, gentle, loving, and often far different from my own.
* When I "should" myself, others, or the situation, I am often assuming that my will is the Lords will, or that I know the Lord's will intuitively without having to ask.  As if.
* I've never, in prayer, felt that the Lord desires or requires of me anything that is unmanageable.  When I go to Him and seek His will, he also gives the courage/strength/desire to do it.  When I present my day to him, and ask what he would like done with it, I am often surprised by how easy, gentle, and manageable his desires are.  Sometimes it is as simple as "do what will make you happy," or "enjoy your children."

As Dr. McKenna pointed out, when I use "should" in self talk, about myself or the situation, I am making a judgement of right/wrong, and consequently feel tense and unhappy, because things are "wrong" or "bad."  Actually, they just are, and if I see simply that they are, it is freeing! I determine what the Lord wants, sometimes, and usually what I want, and that is more helpful.  Deciding what I want doesn't make a judgement call.  It is more flexible.  I realize that others sometimes want something that is not what I want, and neither desire is wrong.  My way is not right, and theirs wrong.

I believe that the point of the commandments and gospel that God has given us is to help us be happy in this difficult trial of life.  He said "judge not that ye be not judged."  When I judge (by "shoulding") myself, the situation, others, etc., it leads to unhappiness.  I've long recognized that in judging others and situations, we are going to get the mental habit of judging ourselves, too, and that is miserable.  It will eventually be our judgement of ourselves (where we feel comfortable) that determines where we go in eternity, so it is good to be accepting of things (and ourselves!) as much as possible.

The story of Mary and Martha also struck me as extremely pertinent as i consider these things:

38 ¶Now it came to pass, as they went, that he entered into a certain village: and a certain woman named ^aMartha received him into her house.

 39 And she had a sister called Mary, which also sat at Jesus’ feet,and heard his word.

 40 But Martha was cumbered about much serving, and came tohim, and said, Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? bid her therefore that she help me.

 41 And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art ^acareful and troubled about many things:

 42 But one thing is needful: and Mary hath ^achosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.

Doubtless, Martha wanted everything to be perfect when she received Jesus into her home.  She had expectations for the cleaning, the food preparation, etc., etc., if she was anything like me.  And so, trying to fulfill all of her expectations about how she would receive the Lord, she was "cumbered about much serving."  She must have been feeling stressed and unhappy when she went to Jesus and asked him to bid Mary to help her.  Her expectations weren't being met, she was failing as a hostess!  Jesus recognized this immediately, and called it out.  He said she was "careful and troubled" or worried and unhappy about many things (all her expectations of herself, of the situation and of Mary).  As it turned out, though, and as Jesus told her, all her "shoulds" were unneccessary.  Only "one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her."  The one thing that Mary was doing--the one important, necessary thing--the thing that Jesus wanted from both of them--was simply that they come to him and learn of Him and listen to Him.  All of Martha's expectations, preparations and worries were not required of the Lord.  He had not given her those "shoulds," she had, and was not the better for it.  The simple act of sitting at the Savior's feet, however, was all that Mary was doing, and all that needed to be done, and she was the better and happier for it.

If I can recognize the "should's" that I give myself, and which make me unhappy, and then stop "shoulding" myself, and instead discover the will of the Lord, or pursue my own desires for happiness, I believe I will be much happier.  The Lord doesn't give busy work, he gives us the work of life, and love and joy.

Another scripture fits this learning very well, also.  It is Matthew 11: 28-30: Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

 29Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

 30For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

The yoke I give myself is heavy, because it is full of "shoulds."  If I will take His yoke, though, meaning that I do his will, and accept the load he would give me instead of the one I make for myself, I will have rest and my burden will be light.

Center for Psychology

After a couple of particularly down weeks last month, I decided I needed counseling.   I searched the area for psychologists, checked with our insurance, and finally found a place that I am totally thrilled about.  It is the Center for Psychology, and today was my first appointment.  I saw Dr. Suzanne McKenna, and I really enjoyed our time together.

Yesterday, in anticipation of our appointment, I printed and dropped off some of the blog posts from this blog for her to read through, to get an idea of me and my struggles.  When I met with her, she had read them all and referenced them frequently.  It gave us some good things to talk about.

Dr. McKenna asked wonderful questions that allowed me to see my assumptions and expectations more clearly.  And then she challenged my assumptions and expectations.  She pointed out that the insights that I come to in my writing are wonderful, but I seem to have a hard time moving them from my head to my heart.  It is one thing to know something, another to feel and believe it.

Here are some highlights I appreciated:
-She pointed out that my expectations are often unrealistic and lead to a feeling of failure.
-Expectations are ours to set, as is our definition of success and failure.
-The experiences of life are like a bell curve.  Some are awesome, some are terrible, and most of them are average.  When we feel terrible when something is wonderful, or expect the majority of life to be awesome, there is a cognitive disconnect that can be be worked on.
-Don't judge things.  Don't worry if the glass is half full or half empty.  Recognize that it is water, and you could drink it, water a plant with it, or toss it out the window.  Accept what is and simply decide what you will do with it.  Making a judgement about whether a situation is good or bad, right or wrong leads to unhappiness, severely limits your options, and is unproductive.
-As a corollary of that, stop using "should" in self-talk.  Instead of saying "I should be happy for my kids" or "I should be this or do that," decide what I want to do.  "Should" makes it a judgement of right or wrong, and leads to beating myself up.
-Dialectic Behavior Therapy sets up the spectrum of accepting yourself as you are and challenging yourself to improve.  They seem mutually exclusive, yet there must be harmony between them for a happy, successful life.
-Cognitive Behavioral Therapy seeks to make one mindful of self-talk, or how one interprets a situation and  his/her own behavior, and, when it is particularly negative and leads to unhappiness, reformulate it so that perceptions and interpretations reflect a more positive scenario.
-She said that if I lived the insights I was having in my writing, I would be a very healthy person.  Having the answers is not the same as living them.

Her challenge to me was to remove "should" (and all its synonyms) from my self talk.

I'm already looking forward to our next session.

Valuing Dad

We enjoyed a great visit from Mom and Dad for Carol's baptism.  I was able to see Dad even more clearly this time, as mom left for a couple of days and I got to have more one on one time with him.

Many things are the same as they were--always wanting to help, picking up anything out of place, washing dishes, whistling, as well as not being able to find (or recognize) the sink, counter, trash can, or read a book.  This time I witnessed his depression more, though.  Perhaps it was because I felt like I was seeing what I myself had been feeling.  His posture was particularly poor, as if weighed down with sorrow.  When I asked what he was thinking about, he seldom answered and instead, sometimes with tears in his eyes, would tip his head side to side, and give a sort of rueful laugh.  It was too heavy, too sorrowful to give voice to.

I watched him and thought "How do you go on when you feel worthless, stuck and lonely/unattached?" and "How hard it is to accept God's will when His will is for you to be weak and a burden on others."  I thought about how hard that has been for me, how tied my sense of worth has been to what I can do.

But then I thought also about the broader design, in which we each are only a strand of thread.  I thought about how important our weaknesses are in the pattern--to strengthen others, to allow God's light to shine through, to try and test us.  I thought that accepting God's will for us to be weak and a burden is as important as accepting God's will for us to be strong and mighty in good works, or whatever else He might require.  It is not that we should not strive to improve, but the fact is, we aren't going to be perfect in this life, and some things will grow weaker (our fallen bodies especially) as others grow stronger.  We can seek for peace, for acceptance of what is or be miserable about it.  Either way, the Lord has use for our weakness, and we can be building His kingdom and valuable in His work of bringing about the immortality and eternal life of man, even in weakness.

That is what I saw in Dad.  I saw an opportunity me to challenge myself, to reach out in love, to measure myself in my reactions to a man who has fallen prey to mortality.  It is how we treat the weakest among us--the children, widows, poor and needy--that shows the measure of our character.  How will I treat Dad?  What does his weakness show me about myself?  What a beautiful part he is now playing in the tapestry of life--a sequin, perhaps, reflecting back to others around him what their true colors are.  There is worth in weakness.

Now, if only I could communicate that to him, so he, too, could see his worth and lift up his head and rejoice.

As I watched him, I thought about myself, and that it is possible that I will find myself in his shoes in 30 years.  I want to prepare, to have a plan for myself, that will bring joy to me and others as my faculties dwindle.  More importantly, though, I want to have internalized the words I have been writing.  I want to believe that even weakness has worth, and to have believed and lived it for a while, so that when weakness is what is left to me, I can still value my own life, and embrace the Lord's will for me.

Seeking courage

Today in church the Lord answered my unspoken prayers.  I’d spoken with Sam last night about my feelings of sadness and failure.  I feel discouraged about how easily I act unkindly, how easily I am grumpy, impatient, and angry.  I even hit Dorothea the other day when she didn’t stop whining about an easy job I’d asked her to do.  I was appalled.  I feel repulsed by myself—by the anger and impatience, by the poor mothering , when I know better.  I long to escape this fallen body and the evil of my telestial nature.  My heart desires to express its loving, tender, nurturing feelings, to encourage and see the best in my children, to help them see it and to reach their potential.  I am sure I was a better mother two years ago than I am now, and it rips me up to know it.  Why continue?  What is the point, if I am, despite the time and my best efforts, actually getting worse!?  I fasted mid-week to try to subdue my offensive feelings/actions and let my spirit through.  It helped—at least I didn’t hit or yell.  I took the sacrament today hoping to be forgiven, which is what I’ve been praying for this week. 

So, in sacrament meeting (fast and testimony meeting), I was grateful for some wisdom that was shared:

Take solace in your family.  When I just enjoy my children and have no other agenda for that time, there is joy and peace.  This week as I’ve prayed about how to spend the day (snow days—the kids have been home from school) just spending time having fun with the children has been repeatedly high on the list.  This surprised me a bit—surely there is something more productive I should be doing?  The good Lord knows.

Giving service brings meaning and purpose to life.  I’ve been looking for something to enjoy in this life and trying to remember what I enjoy—what there is to enjoy.  It seems like the things I enjoy more and more are things that are to be had more fully in heaven.  Family, beauty, righteousness, truth, love, etc.  But giving service—improving other people’s lives now, here, in this veil of tears—that is something to be done on earth and well worth doing.  That is something to give purpose, joy, and even pleasure.   I even had a chance to give a very small service, when one of the children in the primary class I was substitute teaching began to cry and couldn’t/wouldn’t stop.  They were quiet tears, and I didn’t know until someone pointed it out.  Then, I could simply put my arm around him and help him find his dad.  I hope he had a better day because of it.

Change happens slowly.  Sam actually brought this learning home to me, because it was given in Sunday School, and I was in primary.  Ezra T. Benson wrote: “. . .we must be careful, as we seek to become more and more godlike, that we do not become discouraged and lose hope.  Becoming Christ-like is a lifetime pursuit and very often involves growth and change that is slow, almost imperceptible. . . Day by day [we] move closer to the Lord, little realizing [we] are building a godlike life.  [We] live quiet lives of goodness, service and commitment. . . like the Lamanites, who the Lord said “were baptized with fire and with the Holy Ghost, and they knew it not.”  Again, I am reminded of a talk I never actually heard, which James (my brother) gave and later related to me.  He talked about a man who decided to start running and laid out a route for himself.  There was a hill he had to climb, and he put it at the beginning of the route, when he would be most fresh.  Still it was a challenge.  Nevertheless, he stuck to his route and built muscle and stamina, so that it began to grow easier.  He was pleased with his progress, and decided to add to the route, to stay challenged.  Over time he continued to improve and then add to the route.  At last, satisfied with his level of fitness, he decided to reverse the route, so that the hill he had previously approached at the beginning of the run, when he was fresh, was shifted to the end of a much longer route.  He struggled with that hill again, and it was humbling for it to be such a challenge, when it had previously become easy.  One of his neighbors, having watched his daily runs, was disgusted to see him struggle slowly up the hill which he had once jogged up lightly, and concluded that the man was less in shape than when he began, and that they exercise had been a failure.   

 I hope, hope, hope that that is what I am experiencing—a struggle where once there had been success could mean either that I am failing, or that I am growing and challenged in other places, so mothering seems to have taken a step backwards.  I don’t know.  If that is the case, I wish I could see where it is that I am progressing, because it does certainly seem imperceptible to me.