Discipline and Flexibility

I have been very aware lately of my lack of and need for discipline.  I've allowed things to more or less "happen as they happen" or something like that.  That is, we have family prayer every morning and night, and we read scriptures as a family each day.  We get the kids to school on time, with breakfast in their bellies and lunch in their backpacks, and we go to church every Sunday and have family home evening every week--but everything feels rote.  We are going through the motions but lacking discipline, lacking purpose and therefore not making progress as a family.

Undoubtedly this is (at least in part) due to my sort of falling apart last year.  I let a lot of things "go" as I struggled along, and though what "went" wasn't the things in and of themselves, it was certainly the vitality behind those things.  We are like a limp fish and a wilting plant.

Ethan has been struggling in school.  He has a hard time staying focused and on-task, keeping track of his things, and following through.  He has recently incurred the wrath of his teacher by failing to turn things in, or even be able to locate them, and by complaining about assignments.  At home, I tried to tutor him through keeping track of this things, having a place for them and not losing them.  I tried to tell him that he needed to create order, even as we sorted through 6-inch high piles of my own papers which are in a state of udder chaos. Children learn by example, and I have not been an example of discipline lately.  

That I need to discipline myself is clear. (This discipline meaning: to bring to a state of order and obedience by training and control.) How/what exactly to do is something I am pondering on, especially as I am trying at the same time to be flexible with myself and others, and realistic in the understanding that life with young children is hard to predict, so adaptability is essential.  How can I be both disciplined and flexible? How can I breath life and purpose into my own actions and my family once again?

I decided that "A disciple has discipline" (and the devil's in distraction.)  If I want to be a true disciple of Christ and teach my children to be, too, I need to create discipline in my own life and then model and teach it in theirs.  I also need to stop allowing the distractions (all the other things that pull me away from what is most important) to erode that discipline.  I need to fear God more than man and choose the right, even when it is inconvenient, or I'm tired, or I just feel like doing something else.  I need to gird up my loins and exert self-control.  And be flexible at the same time.

As I started my fast last night and prayed for insight and help in my attempt to gain discipline, I thought about having our family get up at 6 am for family scripture, instead of doing it before bed.  I thought how that might help the kids be more awake when they need to get dressed, make their beds and lunches and get ready for school starting at 6:30am.  (I think it is a little obscene to have school start at 7:30 am for such  young children.)  And then I thought about the fact that Isaac is still frequently ill, and I seldom get to bed before 10:30, and am often up several times with him, and so a 6am morning would leave me exhausted and grumpy.  Also, as the kids showed me by sleeping in past 8:20 this morning (they would have slept longer but church is at 9am so I woke them), they need more sleep than they are getting, too.  Sleep is precious; I hate to interrupt it.

Perhaps discipline does not need to entail when things are done so much as how they are done.  It is more important for me to study the scriptures with real intent than to do it at any particular time of day, I believe.  (Though my day certainly goes better when it is my first priority of the morning.)  Perhaps for things like organizing my house, it is less important how it is done than that it is done.  Of course, for things like getting to school, the when is more important that the how, perhaps.    Am I getting anywhere with this?  What does it mean to be disciplined, anyway?  

Clay Christiansen learned that it is easier to obey the rules 100% of the time than 99% of the time, because if you aren't 100% committed, there will always be reasons/excuses to be "flexible," which means there will be many times you won't follow the rule.  That is the kind of flexibility that I don't want to have, but have given myself this last year, I think.  Perhaps discipline is more about choosing what is most important--the commandments and doctrines, etc--and training yourself to obey, to do, even when it is not convenient or easy.  That allows for flexibility, I think because it is seldom the things that are most important to me that are time-bound.  I want to get dinner on at a certain time, and I can work towards that, but if I need to spend time with a child, or something that is a higher priority, it might be more disciplined to let go of dinner for a while and do what is more important.

Of course, things like creating order are important, and aren't time-bound, which means that they get put off and put off, and I end up with 6 inch tall piles of papers which swallow things.  In that case, disciplining myself might mean making time to do it.  It is much more fun to check gmail or facebook, but those are far lower priorities.  Discipline means doing what needs to be done, even when I don't feel like it.  It means making time for things that I don't enjoy because they are important, perhaps.  It means doing the right thing even when it is emotionally unattractive and not allowing distraction to veer me off course.  In some cases, what I need most is some R and R.  Then, the cleaning becomes a distraction.   Surely a body would need a highly complex brain and the gift of the Holy Ghost to do all this right.  

"The Light shineth in darkness" John 1:5

I am late in recounting this experience, but I wanted to get it down, nonetheless.

Last year I read the Book of Mormon, and in late November or early December I was in Ether, reading the account of the Brother of Jared.  I was struck by what was recorded about his passage to the promised land:

5 And it came to pass that the Lord God caused that there should be a furious wind blow upon the face of the waters, towards the promised land; and thus they were tossed upon the waves of the sea before the wind. 6And it came to pass that they were many times buried in the depths of the sea, because of the mountain waves which broke upon them, and also the great and terrible tempests which were caused by the fierceness of the wind.7And it came to pass that when they were buried in the deep there was no water that could hurt them, their vessels being tight like unto a dish, and also they were tight like unto the ark of Noah; therefore when they were encompassed about by many waters they did cry unto the Lord, and he did bring them forth again upon the top of the waters.8And it came to pass that the wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land while they were upon the waters; and thus they were driven forth before the wind. 9And they did sing praises unto the Lord; yea, the brother of Jared did sing praises unto the Lord, and he did thank and praise the Lord all the day long; and when the night came, they did not cease to praise the Lord. 10And thus they were driven forth; and no monster of the sea could break them, neither whale that could mar them; and they did have light continually, whether it was above the water or under the water.11And thus they were driven forth, three hundred and forty and four days upon the water.12And they did land upon the shore of the promised land. And when they had set their feet upon the shores of the promised land they bowed themselves down upon the face of the land, and did humble themselves before the Lord, and did shed tears of joy before the Lord, because of the multitude of his tender mercies over them. (Ether 6: 5-12)

I felt like I could relate to the Jaredites as they spent a year being tossed about and having mountain waves break on them and being buried and encompassed about.  Last year was a difficult year--dark and overwhelming and turbulent.  I also related to them in singing praises to the Lord even in the midst of a difficult journey, and having light in the darkness. 

It occurred to me as I read, that the Jaredite crossing is like our life.  In order to get us to the promised land, the Lord has to send a strong wind (opposition) which buffets and challenges us, which discomfits and overwhelms us.  If the crossing is made in darkness, which for many of us it is, we may rail about a cruel, capricious God who doesn't listen to our pleas for calmer seas, and doesn't care that we are weary and miserable.  In the light, though, we see otherwise.  

The light that the brother of Jared (tboJ) brought onto the boats was a physical light, but I realized that it represented much more.  When tboJ went to the Lord to get light, he received Light--truth, knowledge and an understanding of things as they really are and really will be.  He spoke with Jesus face to face and saw all things from the end to the beginning.  He acted in faith and came away with an unshakable testimony of the nature of God, his Son, and their love for us.  That was the LIGHT he brought with him.  That was why he could sing praises to God in the midst of tempests, and never cease from praising in the dark of night.  He saw clearly, he knew rightly, so no storm could shake him, and he did not vacillate with the waves of affliction or opinion or philosophy.  (James 1:6)  

In later reflection, I remembered it was two of those stones that became the urim and thummim (lights and perfections), and which brought truth to light for Joseph Smith as he searched for a solid foundation in his world of turbulent religion and shifting doctrines.  

I am grateful for the gift of light and truth.  It allows me to get through dark times and places without losing sight of what is real or give in to relativity and despair.  Instead, I can praise the Lord without ceasing and understand that the winds and waves which beset me can be for my good, and can blow me forth to the promised land.

Making the Shift

Vacation is over.  I am so sad to let it go.  This vacation has been more of a vacation than I remember having had in a long time.  Over the last week I felt myself let go of so much stress--I relaxed!  I slept in, and watched movies and wasn't a stickler for bedtime or dinner time or anything.  I was able to shed the up-tightness that has been an ever-present part of my personality and life for as long as I can remember.  It felt wonderful to have Sam's family over and simply enjoy playing and cooking and talking instead of worrying that dinner wouldn't be ready until 9pm at this rate (we ended up changing plans and getting dinner on at 7:30pm-hah!) or that the kids wouldn't get enough sleep and would be miserable the next day.  It was so nice to just enjoy the people around me and their energy and such.  It was fun to have a party every night.  It was great not to make judgements about what was acceptable in terms of timing and activities just enjoy.  Usually I have such a small realm of what I feel comfortable with and accepting of and what I consider fun--that is not fun, and I really liked having it be otherwise.

So, the thought of going back to schedules, to having to deal with "late" and "too much/too little" and jumping through the hoops of society and life was totally unpleasant.  We did it, though, and the kids arrived at school on time, having been given breakfast (not that it was eaten) and a lunch, and being appropriately clothed.  And then I took Isaac to the doctor and then took Dorothea and Isaac to Creation Corner (the Mom's Day Out program.)  All by 10 am.  There were days last week when I wasn't out of bed by 10am.  Anyway. . .

As I exercised this morning, I listened to a book on tape that my mom suggested--My Stroke of Insight.  I've really been enjoying it, and this morning I listened to chapters 15 and 16 in which she describes the characteristic thought /feeling patterns that go with each side of the brain.  I realized I've been in my right hemisphere this last week--living in the moment, feeling at one with the world and not making judgements about right/wrong, good/bad, or feeling the pressure of any kind of schedule.  It has been wonderful.  The left brain is the time keeper, the comparison maker, the judge, the verbal expositor, etc.  It made me wonder if I could keep up the experience in a non-vacation time, at least to an extent.  Could I turn off the "judge" and just enjoy things more?  On the other hand, I know the Lord gave us both parts of our brain for a reason, and if we don't use our left brain to regulate our right brain, nothing would get done and decisions would be made simply by what feels good in the moment, so trouble would arise pretty quickly.  Commandments are left-brained things, I believe, and love is right-brained.  I would love to learn better how to activate each appropriately, so my "judge" doesn't speak up when it is unwanted, but my holistic, peaceful, loving side doesn't get lost in the universe, either.  I want to be productive (left brained) but also feel connected (right brained.)  

It truly is amazing to me to learn more about how the Lord created us in a way that allows so many types of experiences and requires control of ourselves and our thoughts.  What was going on  (in my brain) when I was depressed, I wonder?  I couldn't think linearly or multi-task at all (left brain) and making decisions was exceptionally difficult, as all options felt bad. I was stuck in this diffuse, negatively-charged darkness.  What was going on in my brain?  How did sleep and exercise and writing and such change it?  

Anyway, I am sorry to make the shift out of vacation mode, but I was grateful to have the experience.  Surely I can learn to integrate those hemispheres better, and have a more enjoyable life all around!?

p.s. I wish I could find/make this image, because it (in my mind) shows the left brain/right brain work in writing poetry.  It would be a young woman in profile, writing with her left hand, which is towards the camera.  The pen is angled with top to the right, and extends up to her shoulder and is shaped like a funnel.  Going into the funnel are a thousand beautiful pictures.  The pictures would be swirled together and in vibrant color, but everything else would be black and white, especially the black words on white paper.

pps.  I think Ethan is functions more often in his left brain and Carol in her right brain.  They complement each other well.