Coming together

One of my most frequent prayers over the last many years has been that the Lord will help me to be a better mom.  As I have been struggling with depression, my pain has been compounded because the very symptoms of depression (irritability, impatience, lack of energy, unhappiness, inability to think clearly or enjoy life) are the essence of bad mothering in my mind.  The feelings of worthlessness spiral ever downward as I struggle against myself.  It has been hard to feel like I am a worse mother than I was years ago. 

Nevertheless, as I have now been emerging from depression, I have begun to sense, to hope, that the shaping that this long trial has made to my character will truly help me to be a better mother.  Here are some of the things that I have learned and felt changing within myself::

1. The ability to rest, relax and recognize good in activities that are not productive or work-oriented.

2. A shift towards left-brain--living in the moment, being aware of what IS without judging it, enjoying the love and energy of the people around me, living serendipitously, becoming as a little child.

3. Recognizing that the Lord's expectations of me are perfect, and if I go to Him for direction, He will give me His errands to do, and they will be do-able.  I can leave my long, long list of what I "should" do or be or feel, or how things "should" be behind.  I can stop trusting in the arm of man (mine) to tell me what is important and look to the Lord instead of looking beyond the mark.

4. My value comes from what lies within.  The Lord is shaping me from within--cultivating my attributes, creating a work of beauty and carefully honed tool.  What I accomplish now does not define my worth.  He will school me so that I will be ready to do His work when He is ready.

5. My kids survived my depression and still love and want and value me.  The Lord can heal them.

6.  Being aware of my feelings and their accompanying sensations will help me choose and gain control over my thoughts.  I can choose and cultivate thought patterns and forge new connections and diminish others.  Understanding better what is going on in my brain helps me gain power over it.  (Though having medicinal help may continue to be important.)

7. Getting and giving validation is hugely important for my own and others' emotional health.  I can teach my children to recognize and validate their feeings, and that behavior must still be controlled/regulated.  (I wish I'd learned that as a child!)

I am grateful for these lessons, and have had a happy mothering week.  Today for Mother's day, I felt satisfied with my efforts as a mother instead of discouraged about what I am not doing.  What a blessing!