Dolce fa' niente

     In my meeting with Dr. McKenna today, she talked with me about what depression might do for me—does it actually fulfill any needs?  She asked if I felt like Sam would only listen to me when I was “sick”, or if somehow being “sick” gave me permission to take a much, much needed break, (I don’t know that I have felt like depression “gives me permission” because I feel terrible about the down time, but I do really  need down time, and don’t seem to take it unless I am forced to by a weak mind/mental illness.)  She asked if it would be possible to give myself down time—time to rejuvenate, to write, to think and see and appreciate and live in the moment—without being depressed.  She is a master of questions like that—questions that have a fairly obvious answer, but which I have never considered before.  I brought up having watched “Eat, Pray, Love”, and the Italian culture where “dolce fa’niente” is an acceptable, normal part of life.  In American society, the sweetness of doing nothing is considered laziness.  Productivity is a must, all the time.  It is hard for me to get away from that understanding.  Dr. McKenna brought up again that from my writing, before we even met, she was aware that I have very good, healthy understandings and ideas.  What she has seen is that there is a disconnect, somewhere, so that I have a hard time implementing and really believing or doing what I know cognitively.  I think it goes against years of culturally ingrained ideas to appreciate “dulce fa’ niente.” 

     I would certainly rather work that down time, the rejuvenation, into my everyday life than have it sort of forced upon me by the depression that comes when I get overwhelmed and stuck.  In the former case, I can really enjoy and appreciate the down time.  In the latter, it comes with a lot of pain and misery.  Anyway, I don’t know at this point if I can really, fully escape having depression again.  Catching it early is important.  Last time, I couldn’t come up with early warning signs—all the symptoms I could list were full blown depression.  However, since then, I’ve figured some out: feeling overwhelmed and anxious, feeling stuck or in a “funk,” not wanting to do things I usually enjoy.  When those surface I need to immediately boost myself up with social time, get help quickly to lighten my load, make sure I am enjoying “dolce fa’ niente” time, and carefully check my thoughts for negative patterns, etc.  Being in the hospital with Isaac for a few days quickly brought those feelings on.  Having Sam take over for a night and day made sooo much difference.  Being able to get away, get a clearer perspective, etc, calmed my anxiety and cleared my mind. 

     Dr. McKenna also talked about how gratitude is absolutely essential to happiness, and encouraged me to write down several things a day that I am grateful for—particularly things from that day—moments of beauty, joy, or whatever.  She said recording and keeping those fleeting moments of beauty can be like picking up pennies and putting them in a piggy bank.  We adults tend not to care about a penny, and let it lie, unappreciated.  Same with a brief moment of beauty or fun or happiness.  But simply making the mental decision to appreciate and collect them can soon give you a bank full of joy to draw on and savor.  I told her that my mind tends towards the negative, and if I let my mind wander I soon discover I am pondering one of the many horrible ways my children might die.  It almost never wanders toward beauty, joy, or positive things.  Yet, there is so much beauty around me.  Especially now in the spring, I see and appreciate it every time I go outside.  Now I just need to actually “collect” it by writing it down.

     As I was feeling more up than before, I mentioned that with those happier, more energetic feelings I was considering how I could be a better steward of all that I have been given.  I told her I want to do better about dressing the kids nicely, washing the car and keeping it cleaner inside, working on the yard and stuff like that.  "Why?" she said, urging me to examine my priorities and make decisions about how I spend my time and energy  based on what is most important to me (not what my neighbors might think, or whatever.)  If having a cleaner car is most important to me, and makes me happy, then by all means act on it.  However, if it is just one more thing to add to a to-do list that I feel like I "should" do now that I have more energy, it might be wise to reconsider.  She reminded me that we often feel like others notice us more than they actually do.  People tend to be more focused on themselves and their own issues than on others'.  I believe that, and seldom make decisions based on what someone else might think (hence my car seldom getting washed, my children sometimes going to school without their hair brushed, and me not being the height of fashion).  Still, I would like to be a good steward of myself and what I have been given as much as I am able.  I would feel more confident if I attended to my appearance more.  

     Anyway, it was a great opportunity to talk!