Pearls of Wisdom

Yesterday morning was a rough one, full of anxiety and tears about Isaac's treatments, wondering if they will ever come to an end, and feeling like whatever I do seems not to be enough, and inevitably leads to more difficulty.  I was back in the "rock and a hard place" frame of mind, feeling trapped between bad choices.  It was miserable.  I thought through the normal physical needs that seem to bring on the trouble, but I had slept well, eaten a good breakfast, and exercised already.  Yet I was still so down.

Happily, yesterday was also Mom's Day Out, so with Dorothea and Isaac off my hands I had time to ponder, read the scriptures and pray.  I remembered that I'd meant to fast on Sunday.  It brought so much peace a week ago, but the effect only lasted so long.  Mom fasted every week for many years while we were in Nashville and she was going through depression, I thought it would be a good thing for me, too, only I'd forgotten.  So, I determined to start a fast.  Rather than fast for Isaac, (as I thought even thinking about Isaac's surgery would stress me out) I fasted for myself to feel the presence of the Lord more, to strengthen my relationship with him, and to understand what I should learn during this time of difficulty.

Immediately upon starting the fast, my mood changed.  Instead of feeling weighed down, I felt light and happy.  My blessings were impressed upon my mind.  I thought about being married to Sam, and how wonderful he is and how right for me and how much I've enjoyed getting to have him work from home the last few days.  I thought about how happily Isaac takes his treatments--the casts don't seem to bother him nearly as much as they bother me, and he is active and happy and curious and talkative and very mobile.  He doesn't seem to feel sorry for himself a bit.

I went upstairs to talk to Sam and get ready for the day (I'd gone biking in the morning, which was good!), and couldn't wipe the smile off my face!  In the shower it occurred to me that the Lord wasn't giving me a hard time on purpose, and that it was only my reaction to it, etc., that made it hard.  There was nothing especially dramatic or painful about the time, or Isaac's treatments.  The long drive is . . . long, but has been safe and comfortable and relatively painless.  There is much to be grateful for, and little to be unhappy about, if I would only see it that way.  I felt like the Lord would like me to see it that way, and not to be miserable.  The fact that the treatment is taking longer than I'd originally anticipated is only a matter of expectation, and expectations can certainly be changed.  Anyway, over all, I got a new perspective.

I continued to ponder about what I could learn from my reaction to and feelings about this time throughout the day.  Sunday night Sam had given me a blessing, and one of the things he mentioned is that I would be able to realize I am not alone in my endeavors, but that I have a team of family and friends who are all with me on this. It was a very nice thing to contemplate and open my heart to.  I love having you all on my team, sending your prayers and loving thoughts, calling, visiting, and being so supportive!  Thank you.  I love having a visiting teacher who says "tell me what you need and I can set it up."  I love having the sweet folks at Mom's Day Out, who happily take care of the kids so I can have a break.  I love having Dixie come and talk with me and help me clean.  I love having a bishop who called me in just to check up on me and see if there was anything he could do to take anything off my plate (he offered to talk to the Stake President about letting me be done with my Stake calling for now, and though I don't know what will come of it, I was glad that he assured me it would be fine to take that step.)  I love having kids who love me despite my failings, and remember to pray for Isaac, and for me, and are generally emotionally stable.  I love having Sam who says "I've felt like this time has been pretty good, and peaceful."

Also, I've been listening to "Little Women" on cd.  I started on the long drive, and over the last couple of weeks it has been my treat in the car.  There have been so many wonderful pearls of wisdom that I've loved hearing, and have wanted to savor at length, but driving in the car isn't conducive to writing things down, so they have mostly been lost in the 20 hours of listening.  Yesterday, though, I decided to get one of the cd's to listen to as I folded laundry, and there was a part about Meg, newly married and with twin babies, and how she gets so wrapped up in the care and concerns of her babies, she forgets her husband and herself and ends up miserable, lonely and anxious.  Her mother comes and talks to her about it and reminds her "Try to get out more. Too much confinement makes you nervous, and then you aren't good for anything!"  How true it is! Also, she reminded Meg "You are the sunshine maker of the family.  If you are stormy, there is no fair weather for anyone."  So true, again. Mrs. March counselled Meg to rely more on her "team" of her husband, mother, and the housekeepers of the two houses, and to make herself more agreeable to her husband and to enjoy and participate in life more.

And there was my answer about what I need to learn.  I have learned it, and written about it recently, I know, but it is still settling into my psyche, I think.  I can't wrap myself up entirely in Isaac.  In fact, I sometimes have to lovingly "neglect" him for my sake, and others.  I have to rely on my team better.  And I have to realize that he is more buoyant that I sometimes give him credit for.  I've let him cry himself to sleep a couple of times in the last week, in exhaustion, and he didn't die.  In fact, he didn't even cry very long at all.

So, though I was hungry and almost didn't get dinner on, I feel like the fast was successful.  I feel peaceful again.  I am recommitting to not let Isaac's treatments rule my life, but to treat them instead like the one little thing that they are.  One little part of my wide, interesting, full, happy life.  Perspective instead of myopia, and no more tyranny of little things.

Remind me if I forget!