On my mind

Whoops.  Thought I'd posted this on 8/20/2010

I've had a lot on my mind since James and Margaret came, and went.  I feel so grateful for their desire to help and their love for me.  I'm still working on doing what I need to do.  The last couple of days I've been more out of temper than usual, and very impatient with the kids.  Also, my "get up and go has got up and went."  This morning I needed answers, information, understanding.  I sat down and did some research on depression.  I read a great article, that I really appreciated. Wow, do I have it.  It was actually rather relieving to see how much of what I am experiencing is part of depression.  For a someone experiencing depression, I'm really normal!! ; )  The "sadness" or melancholy or dark way of seeing the world is very much a part of depression, and something that I know my siblings have picked up on and worried about for me.  I don't want you all to worry.  Worry isn't helpful.  It is a misuse of imagination, someone said.  There are many facets to Julia.  While there may be a shadow cast into my soul, and some important parts of my self are seemingly frozen, there are other parts of me that are yet free!  My faith is still soaring.  My relationship with Sam is quite strong, and healthy, and my mind is still able to discern much of the workings of my soul.

It seems like my communication has suffered--I guess I am communicating more of the negative about how I feel than positive, to illicit so much worry and the perception that I am deeply sad.  Well, some times I am deeply sad and overwhelmed and a lot of other normal depression things but other times I feel pretty normal, and that is a blessing!  Also, apparently it is a normal part of depression to feel like you've "lost your ability to feel joy and pleasure," which is something James and Margaret picked up on and tried to get me to do better at.  Speaking of which, I think I will go take a shower before picking up the kids from school.  I also went to the gym and did an exercise class today, which was a step in the right direction.  Here are some other things to know about:

Signs and symptoms of depression

Depression varies from person to person, but there are some common signs and symptoms. It’s important to remember that these symptoms can be part of life’s normal lows. But the more symptoms you have, the stronger they are, and the longer they’ve lasted—the more likely it is that you’re dealing with depression. When these symptoms are overwhelming and disabling, that's when it's time to seek help.

Common signs and symptoms of depression (I italicized the one's I'm experiencing a lot)

• Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation.
• Loss of interest in daily activities.  No interest in former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex. You’ve lost your ability to feel joy and pleasure.
• Appetite or weight changes. Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.
• Sleep changes. Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia). (I think this may be causal rather than symptomatic for me.)
• Irritability or restlessness. Feeling agitated, restless, or on edge. Your tolerance level is low; everything and everyone gets on your nerves.
• Loss of energy. Feeling fatigued, sluggish, and physically drained. Your whole body may feel heavy, and even small tasks are exhausting or take longer to complete.
• Self-loathing. Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. You harshly criticize yourself for perceived faults and mistakes.
• Concentration problems. Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things.
• Unexplained aches and pains. An increase in physical complaints such as headaches, back pain, aching muscles, and stomach pain.